Damned if you don't

EDIT: This is a joke. So clearly not for serious. Chances are you aren't an offender of any of these rules. Even if you are, my guess would be if you're reading this that you at least sort of give a damn. People break these "rules" all the time, but it's all about attitude. There's the occasional person, and you can tell when they walk in, who are going to be difficult. That's who the rules are for... they're the same people who don't signal to change lanes or jump to a newly opened register even though they weren't next in line. I'm sorry if my sarcasm wasn't clear, but for the record I didn't think anyone would read it. Then again, that got the Nintendo woman in trouble didn't it?

It's been said that I tend to expect things of people based on a rule set they have no way of knowing in advance. Like showing up to gym and finding out you're playing dodge ball by means of a ball to the face. That has a distinct sound, by the way.
Well, to all you naysayers, here it is:
BARISTA'S LIST OF (formerly) UNSPOKEN RULES OF CONDUCT
1. Your responsibility, as a customer, is to figure out what you want & pay for it. While I may appear jovial, a request of "surprise me" will most likely net you a mocha. Unless you're hot, in which case you'll get a pretty heart on your mocha. For yes or no decisions such as "Would you like a copy of the receipt?" don't panic. If it's too much for you, pick one and run with it. I doubt you'll be disappointed.
2. Unless you're a logic professor (and a dick), don't answer "or" questions with yes or no. And anyway, any logician worth his weight in tautologies will tell you that the English language sets up "or" clauses as mutually exclusive. Working in the other direction, you'd have to set up a much more complicated English sentence to express the natural conditions of "or" in a logical statement. SO THERE.
3. Hey, don't whistle at me asshole. This only happened once.
4. Take your cell phone outside. How important are you? Are you the dauphin of New fucking Winnersville? Take that phallic hunk of plastic off your ear and act like a normal goddamn human. Expecting a call at any time? Congratulations on your new child! But if you try to order while talking on the phone, I'll ask you a torrent of needless questions. Did you want soy? You'll start to think I'm just trying to interrupt you. I am. Sorry Doctor McAwesome to cut in on your surgery-by-phone. Here's your half-caf au lait.
5. Brevity is the soul of placing your order. What's a double half-caf skinny tall mochaccino no whip? A fucking small skim mocha. See, I got fewer syllables even while calling you a dick.
6. Look at the goddamn menu. The sizes and names for things tend to be reasonable. This isn't Applebee's. We don't have a mochajita con sizzle. I'm not going to make you sound like an asshole just by reading something off the menu. This extends further into "cup of java." I don't give a shit if you know fifty names for coffee, you can send it in the next mass forward e-mail with your incomparable list of names for female genitalia.
7. Keep your mouth closed. Why is it that when people gaze upwards their maw has to gape? Did you lose control over your jaw? Will the pins fall out if you strain your mouth against the ravages of Earth gravity? If I wanted to see inside your mouth, I'd check your 24-hour webcam "Stu watches TV and irradiates his testicles with countless harmful photons." Let me know how that experiment works out.
8. Take a penny. When I watch your grubby hand flip the pennies out onto the counter, it makes me want to slap your hand like a scolding grandma. Don't want to break that fiver? Watch pocket welling up with change and ready to burst? Take it to Coinstar. Yes, you can run out to your car to get some more money. I'll wait.
9. Put your money in my hand. Lorde Featherdick can't exert the strain it takes to outreach his hand the extra 12 inches it takes to be a gentleman. Countess de Fingersniff places her credit cards next to her purse & eyes me suspiciously when I reach across the counter to take it. I know each coin makes a satisfying "snap" as you press it to the counter, but please count it out beforehand. Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom? I do. Thank you Mr. Aviator.
10. Don't tell me your problems or give me advice. Just because I'm trapped behind the counter doesn't mean I'm here for you. Unless "My girlfriend died in a tragic Tweetsie Railroad crash" is your way of indiscreetly telling me you only need one latte today, keep it to yourself. Think I look sleepy today? Got the urge to say, "Looks like you need your coffee!"? Clever. Keep it to yourself. Got something to sell? Get the fuck out.
11. Clean up after yourself. Do you see a busboy jaunting about topping off your glass of water and clearing dishes? Also, there's a fucking trash can. I don't want to fish your filthy stir stick out of the "dirty spoons" bin. I don't want to unglue the napkins from your plate. And it's so easy to get the sugar in your cup. Don't just toss it about & hope some falls in.
12. Don't bullshit me about coffee. So you heard a couple of fancy terms. I don't need you asking how long my shots are running or what temperature I steam the milk. I don't want you walking around the side of the counter & snuggling up with your head on my shoulder. Just wait and admire it when it's ready; it's fucking awesome, see? Along those lines, don't affect an accent on me. Croissant may look like a funny French word, but it's pretty easy to say. So is espresso, which has no "c" or "x" in it.
13. Don't touch the thermostat. This one's for you, Rich...
14. Don't smell the coffee. Unless a rugged Colombian rides in on a burro & invites you to peek in his bag of coffee wonders, I don't want your nose getting any closer to the beans than it needs to.
15. I hate your kids. I'm not Bill Cosby. I don't have a refreshing attitude towards kids doing asshole things. Keep them away from the bean bins. Don't let them twirl about screaming on the stools like Rhesus monkeys. Don't ask them to place their order themselves unless they're fucking adorable.
16. Tip like it's karmic retribution. Make up for creaming that kid on his bike with your SUV on the way over here.
17. Don't order espresso over ice. When you're smiling to yourself at the cream counter thinking how you cheated that barista out of a couple bucks from your husband's weekly stipend, look back over your shoulder and see me glaring at your iced latte. Unless you've followed #16 aggressively, I will call you out from across the store. Then you'll be getting wicked glances at the Whole Foods and overhearing, "Margie is a cheapskate. I'm not inviting her to bridge this week." Did you see Die Mommy Die? You should; it's pretty funny.
18. Don't complain about the music. Comments of "Is this music?" will be met with an unhealthy dose of derision. I will tell you exactly what you're listening to until you walk away in discomfort.
19. Don't camp. Get an internet connection at home. The $1.14 you spent on that cup of coffee three hours ago isn't going to cut it, cheap ass. And if you squat without buying anything? You'd better believe I'm unplugging the router. Furthermore,
20. I am not technical support. Exception: hotness.

I think that about covers it.