Even MORE Ways to Piss Off Your Barista
Since the first one was so popular (enough to elicit angry comments at least), I'm back again with hate-filled advice for the average coffee drinker. This was actually largely composed over a month ago, but I've felt like sun-baked shit for a little while now. Please to enjoy. As it's been said, you haven't seen it, so it's new to you!
1. Don't make me gag. Okay, so you're only breaking your diet this one time... That's none of my goddamn business. Still, if the first question in your mind is whether caramel or chocolate syrup (or both) will best compliment the heavy cream in your drink, try again. Maybe I should start printing directions to the nearest emergency room on the bottoms of the cups.
2. No bullshitting. Let's review some of the more fanciful claims from customers:
-Soy milk curdles in hot coffee.
-Higher lactose content in heavy cream makes it healthier.
-In a half-caff, regular should go on top of the decaf because it's "heavier."
-"I got that last time I was here..." (unless that was over four years ago, I can say with confidence that you're wrong).
-Oily beans taste better (this, in fact, probably means they're old).
3. We're not gonna do it. A few helpful customer suggestions:
-Install a roaster in every store.
-Use cold-brew coffee.
-Carry [insert small-time baker]'s [insert unsellable item].
-"You should have live music!" You're going to be in charge of setting that up? Fantastic!
-"You need to change your business strategy. There was a line out the door at Starbucks!" Sign me up for a subscription to the Wall Street Journal and Business Advice from Know-all Dicks immediately!
-Let you put stacks of fliers on our counter for your fucking band or anti-Bush rally or Vegan Carob Muffin sell-off.
-Let you put stacks of fliers on our counter for your fucking band or anti-Bush rally or Vegan Carob Muffin sell-off.
4. There are stupid questions. Pick any item in the store, and you can come up with a stupid question about it. Examples: Croissant - "Is that a bagel or a scone?" Single Origin Coffee - "What's in this blend?" Muffins - "Do you bake your own muffins?" [maybe not such a strange question, but I've had people insist the sanitizer was, in fact, an oven.]
5. Fresh is a relative term. No, not everything behind the counter "just came in." There's a thing called shelf life, and I believe we do our best to stay well below it. Here's what I don't want to hear:
-"You don't have anything fresh today?" That's just an asshole thing to say. Neither yes nor no appropriately answers it.
-"How old is this muffin?" Is there somewhere that it's acceptable to say something like this?
6. You can't have it. I've had people ask for money from my tip jar. People have asked for 62 cents worth of coffee. I don't have a cigarrette for your broke ass, and neither do my customers. And please stop trying to apply for my job; as far as I know I'm not in immediate danger of being replaced.
7. Taste the coffee. We offer samples of the coffee. I will also give detailed descriptions. If you then take the sample and add cream/sugar or ask for half-caff, you've just insulted me. Do you ask for the $25 fillet & then cover it with Heinz 57? No, because that's ass-stupid.
8. I don't want to smell you. Coffee has a strong aroma. Maybe it doesn't always cover my BO, but I like to think it gives me an enchanting musk. If, on the other hand, your walking into the door turns us into a 19th century French brothel, it's time to cut back on the Au de Assflower. One guy, and I suppose no one's ever told him this (I sure as hell wasn't about to), smelled like sex all the time. Maybe this is judgmental of me, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't because he was getting laid. What does sex smell like, you ask? Umm... sweat and pollen? Boiled cabbage on the cattle ranch? Fine cheese and raw salmon? I expect answers in the comments.
9. It wasn't funny when the first guy said it, either. Examples? You bet!
-"Looks like you need your coffee this morning too!" [I still say this sometimes anyway, so I guess I'm a hypocrite]
-"Can I get a mocha-whata-frappa-dappa-lappa-ccino?"
-"Do you even have just regular coffee?" [try to imagine the amount of incredulity that goes into a question like this]
10. Place your goddamn order. If people are always asking you to repeat yourself, it's probably because you need to speak the fuck up. If you pay for a cappuccino & watch me make it, I don't want that look of surprise and insistence that you said "cuppajoe." After your order, if you see me just smiling and nodding even when you ask me a question, it's because (like your Kindergarten teacher told you) you need to take your hand out from in front of your mouth & fucking enunciate (okay maybe she didn't use those words exactly. Most 5 year olds can't pronounce "enunciate").
11. We don't have it. Actual things people have asked me for.
-"You got hot dogs?" This is inevitably followed shortly by "You sure?"
-"You have Kirkland Colombian Coffee?" No, we don't carry Costco's pre-bagged coffees.
-"Can you put together Starbuck's Christmas blend?" This was in June, mind you.
-"You got Coke?" This leads to a brief check of our drink refrigerator just to be sure.
12. Shut up. No, it's not a library, but...
-Nobody wants to hear the latest music upload on your Myspace page through your tinny iMac speakers, ya hoser.
-Don't shush the other customers. No seriously, don't.
-Kids should be neither seen nor heard. Maybe you should carry them around in a box with you. That way people will assume the "live animal inside!" is a puppy and think better of you generally. This doesn't extend to rattling the box if it starts making noise. Nobody likes a shaken puppy. If your children are too big for the box, I issue but the following requests that they not: 1) yell your name 20 goddamn times before you respond 2) try to come behind the counter, 3) walk around slamming the cabinets, 4) leave the majority of a muffin in a slobbery pile on some crinkled plastic wrap, 5) write on the fucking wall (yes this happened).
-Take the call outside Dr. Awesomeface. And set your phone to silent - it's more erotic that way.
13. I don't want it. Someone who doesn't approach the counter is trying to sell me something.
-Something from your bag of suspicious jewelry. You'd be surprised how many of these otherwise non-English speakers understand the word "soliciting."
-That $20 inspirational jazz CD. The guy that offered me this ended his lengthy, breathless explanation with "How many would you like?" Maybe he's an RIAA goon? And I was planning to make copies for all my friends...
-Your baked goods. A guy once explained to me he gets a commission (no shit) from every new account he gets. Unless you're planning to shift some of that my way you can go ahead & get fucked.
-Your coffee. What? Do you walk into Biscuit King & try to sell them some McMuffins? No. No you do not.
-Your résumé. Graduating from Connecticut Business Law Economics College University & 5 years of sales consulting for United Paper Concern do not qualify you for a job at our coffee shop.
That's all I can think of for now. Working in food service means I should have plenty more nuggets for next time!
-"Do you even have just regular coffee?" [try to imagine the amount of incredulity that goes into a question like this]
10. Place your goddamn order. If people are always asking you to repeat yourself, it's probably because you need to speak the fuck up. If you pay for a cappuccino & watch me make it, I don't want that look of surprise and insistence that you said "cuppajoe." After your order, if you see me just smiling and nodding even when you ask me a question, it's because (like your Kindergarten teacher told you) you need to take your hand out from in front of your mouth & fucking enunciate (okay maybe she didn't use those words exactly. Most 5 year olds can't pronounce "enunciate").
11. We don't have it. Actual things people have asked me for.
-"You got hot dogs?" This is inevitably followed shortly by "You sure?"
-"You have Kirkland Colombian Coffee?" No, we don't carry Costco's pre-bagged coffees.
-"Can you put together Starbuck's Christmas blend?" This was in June, mind you.
-"You got Coke?" This leads to a brief check of our drink refrigerator just to be sure.
12. Shut up. No, it's not a library, but...
-Nobody wants to hear the latest music upload on your Myspace page through your tinny iMac speakers, ya hoser.
-Don't shush the other customers. No seriously, don't.
-Kids should be neither seen nor heard. Maybe you should carry them around in a box with you. That way people will assume the "live animal inside!" is a puppy and think better of you generally. This doesn't extend to rattling the box if it starts making noise. Nobody likes a shaken puppy. If your children are too big for the box, I issue but the following requests that they not: 1) yell your name 20 goddamn times before you respond 2) try to come behind the counter, 3) walk around slamming the cabinets, 4) leave the majority of a muffin in a slobbery pile on some crinkled plastic wrap, 5) write on the fucking wall (yes this happened).
-Take the call outside Dr. Awesomeface. And set your phone to silent - it's more erotic that way.
13. I don't want it. Someone who doesn't approach the counter is trying to sell me something.
-Something from your bag of suspicious jewelry. You'd be surprised how many of these otherwise non-English speakers understand the word "soliciting."
-That $20 inspirational jazz CD. The guy that offered me this ended his lengthy, breathless explanation with "How many would you like?" Maybe he's an RIAA goon? And I was planning to make copies for all my friends...
-Your baked goods. A guy once explained to me he gets a commission (no shit) from every new account he gets. Unless you're planning to shift some of that my way you can go ahead & get fucked.
-Your coffee. What? Do you walk into Biscuit King & try to sell them some McMuffins? No. No you do not.
-Your résumé. Graduating from Connecticut Business Law Economics College University & 5 years of sales consulting for United Paper Concern do not qualify you for a job at our coffee shop.
That's all I can think of for now. Working in food service means I should have plenty more nuggets for next time!
