If a film shows in an art house theater & no one sees it, is it still pretentious? The following are films that I hated before I saw them or even, in some cases, before they were released.
We had a poster up on the women's bathroom door (so you'd see it right when you walked in) that was for Ladies in Lavender. It's a gaudy thing, and you can tell on closer inspection that they've airbrushed the fuck out of each of them. I mean that kid's shirt isn't even real. It went up for a good month before the film actually came out. Let me paint a picture for you.
"Oh is that... it's Dame Judi Dench! I love Dame Judi Dench! Dame Judi Judi Dench Dame Judi Dame Dame damn I love saying her name! I'd watch anything with Dame Judi Dench. If they filmed her popping a squat in Central Park I'd be there. If she smeared shit on paper I'd buy and frame it!"
Whack!
[septuagenarian rendered unconcious by the bathroom door swinging open]
"Are you okay? Wait... is that... it's Dame Judi Dench! I love Dame Judi Dench!"
[repeat]
Once the movie was out, hosers would buy tickets for "the Judi Dench movie." Because I'm an ass, I would claim not to know which one they were talking about. They'd have to back up and scan the titles on the board, or sometimes they'd bug me about which films were playing. It was worth it.
I eventually saw Junebug and thoroughly enjoyed it. The poster was up for a good while prior, and the art (before I recognized the significance of it) was overwhelmingly pretentious to me. More than that though, some of the worst blurbs I've seen.
1. "...distills antagonistic red-state, blue-state attitudes."
What kind of asinine thing is that to say? "I want to make an overgeneralization about the themes in this movie, but I want to make sure I sound like a complete asshole while I'm at it."
2. "effusive girl-child"
I don't even know what to say about this one. I'll admit I had to pop over to dictionary.com before I could accurately judge the terriblosity of this comment. See Stephen? I can make up words too! Well, I'm talking about "girl-child," which is I guess a take on "man-child" or "boy-child" or something? Should it be "woman-child"? How about just "immature"? I think you can figure it out, Stephen. I'm sure your NYT paycheck can get you a pretty hefty thesaurus.
3. "...exploration of the family house conveys a... sense of place."
Yeah it'll do that. If he wanted to be more of a dick, he should've said mise en scène for appreciative nods from snoots nationwide.
4. That second statement... isn't it a little premature to start calling someone an autor after his first feature film? He directed TV shows and shorts, for god's sake.
5. "Amy Adams is a revelation."
Without getting too much into semantics here, this is about the verbal equivalent of "low prices everyday." A fundamental misunderstanding of the function of a word. At any rate, revelation is already bandied about with other pop words like "anal" and "proverbial" and "literally." Is this a chaotic attempt at synecdoche? Are we meant to believe her acting prowess inspires profound realization in viewers? Bullshit.
For a film to reach "worst movie ever made" status, it has to have (in my opinion):
1. A decently large budget (so you know money was wasted). This rules out much of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crowd.
2. A marketing engine.
3. A chip on its shoulder.
4. A following.
Pretty vague qualifiers there, but I just wanted to put things like Manos: Hands of Fate and Plan 9 from Outer Space out of the running. Anything where you could say "it's so bad it's funny" is still enjoyable to watch (or at least make fun of later).
*WHY I HATE WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW?*
I couldn't embed the video for some reason. It's for the best.
1. The tagline: "How far into the rabbit hole of mysteriousness do you want to go?" Pseudo-philosophy... GO!
2. People calling themselves "bleepers." Well, just the word "bleep" in the title at all.
3. The main character is deaf... but her other senses are more in tune? I'm choking on the metaphor. It's just so hard to chew.
4. CG. Why are there anthropomorphic blobs dancing on the screen? I think they're determining important stuff like "I want to screw that guy" and "Where did my life go wrong?"
5. One of the interviewees is J. Z. Knight channeling Ramtha. No, really. She thinks someone else is speaking through her. And they interviewed her. For their film.
6. The interviews take place largely in front of green screen. Backgrounds include: blacklight poster swirlies, fireplaces, and a university campus. Like... "Oh, you caught me on the way to a seminar. Do you have any spare change?" or "Oh, you caught me totally getting my fucking mind blown in the middle of this freaky vortex."
7. The closing line. I don't have a direct quote of this, but I saw it quite a few times as I was winding up each showing. The trick is to turn the house lights up as soon as possible so sensible people get the fuck out. I've heard complainers say "Nobody watches the credits anymore!" Yeah if you want to listen to that reprise of the main theme and see who held the boom mic, you'll have to do it while I sweep up the Goobers rolling by your feet. Anyway, here's the line as I remember it:
"People say I sound crazy but... if you study science long enough... and hard enough... and you don't come out sounding crazy... well then you haven't learned anything at all!"
[What the Bleep logo shows up on screen & shatters into tiny CG bits. Yes, the title is censored within the movie as well. How cheeky.]
If you want to be skullfucked by stupidity & 90's screensaver graphics, go ahead & rent this guy. The "Down the Rabbit Hole" version is available too, where you can choose the course of action the film takes, thereby putting the mind blowing into your own sweaty little palms. There's also this. You're welcome.
I thought I was done talking about WtBDWK, but shit just keeps flooding back. The movie ran for a long time. A couple of gems:
-Assholes from "The church of Ramtha" or some shit tried to hand out fliers to people as they left the movie. These are people who get mocked by Unitarians.
-This one woman cried because I wouldn't sell her a ticket. See it was well after 10, the movie was half over, and the box office had been closed out. I could have taken the money & put it on the next day's box but... well... I already said I'm an ass. She started weeping at me, and through the sobs I could make out something like "meant a lot to me" and "told all my friends about it" and "changed my life." That's right. She'd already seen it. I let her in.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Chels Part 2: projectioniesting
The title is in reference to a notice we got with one of the films, I think about which preview to include (?), that was littered with typos. We would also sometimes get press releases about upcoming films from the distributor. These are always a larf, reading like an amazon.com commenter page. Sometimes it seemed like the writer had only seen a poster for the film & was just guessing around; I doubt they had access to screening copies.
I started as "manager" or projectionist at the Chelsea after about a year. At that point I started three shifts a week with one as box office only (see previous post). A few funnies that are frequent:
-"The projector is on fire!"
If the motor stops and the lamp is still running, its heat literally burns through a frame of the film. It's easily fixed & usually happens on worthless headers or footers. Still, it looks pretty dramatic on screen, almost like the whole screen is burning through from behind.
-"We were late, can you rewind the film?"
No. The motor only goes in one direction. Also, the platter system is such that, once you've started the film, it has to be completely run before it can be wound up. Otherwise, imagine pulling all the tape out of a videocassette & trying to feed it through your VCR. Sounds like an exaggeration, but until you see an entire film tangled up on the floor...
-"Isn't anyone in the booth!?"
No. The days of having to change reels every 20 mins are over - the whole film is spliced together. I've had people sit through 15 mins of a movie with no sound... like 20 people... assuming that someone was "working on it." Same with a stopped film.
-"Is X coming back?"
I have no idea. Do you ask the burger flipper at McDonald's if the McRib is coming back soon?
-"I've heard about X... will you be getting that movie?" Maybe [I check the schedule]. "What's that movie about?"
I'm tempted at this point to make something up based on the title.
-"Can I speak to the owner?" He's not here. "When will he be in?" He's in most weekday mornings. "No afternoons or evenings." Periodically. "Okay..."
It's great when the truth is more confusing to the solicitor than a lie.
-"Can I speak to the manager?"
Surprise!
We had this guy come in pretty regularly, an older guy in his 60s. He'd get two senior tickets & wait for this other woman to show up... not sure why that was. He would ask to speak to the projectionist. To this point I had only met with him indirectly, and I'd learned to lie to him that the projectionist was upstairs. He'd tell me to "Ask him to do a good job tonight." Now typically I'd sit near the box office so I could see what was going on & to get my chat on. This particular night Mallory was working & it was moderately busy. He came inside to buy his tickets (which I've mentioned I hate, especially if other customers are lining up outside in a normal queue) & asked who was projecting tonight. Mallory had to help another customer, so she basically just pointed at me & turned back to the window. I was cornered there on the bench. He came up to me & stood not 2 feet away, like if I'd stood up I'd be all up in his nose hairs.
Hoser: You projecting tonight?
Me [pretending to be paying attention to the box office so as not to have to make eye contact]: Yup.
H: You going to do a good job tonight?
M: I'm sorry?
H: I said, "Are you going to do a good job tonight?"
M: Sure, yeah... same as always [forced smile].
H: No not "same as always," I mean are you going to do a good job tonight? I've been here when projectionists just didn't seem to care about their jobs.
M: Okay...
H: So I want you to go up there & make sure the focus is right after the feature starts and that the sound is at the right level.
M: Actually from upstairs you can't monitor the level of the sound as-
H: Yes you can! And that's what you'll do! Then you'll come back downstairs & sell some Coke!
M: I'm sorry, you can't speak to me that way.
H: What?
M: I said "I'm sorry," [standing up] "You can't speak to me that way."
H: I'm just telling you to do-
M: No. You can't speak to me that way.
H: Well... maybe I should just tell Mr. Bruce Stone that he has a rude projectionist!
M: Actually I'll tell him myself if you like.
[He starts to walk away, in a huff]
M: Or I could give you your money back right now...
[He turns around and starts to say something I don't remember]
M: And you can leave.
H [turning back around]: This is ridiculous...
Fearing the ever popular angry letter, I related this story to Mr. Stone (the owner) within the week. He appeared skeptical until I got to the part where hoser used his name, when he interrupted me with "Who is this guy!?"
As the manager, one of my jobs was to empty the trash at the end of the night. I think this is what drove me to insanity... not the physical act of removing the bags, but cleaning out the theaters. To anyone who is about to start a sentence "But it's your job to..." let me cut you off by saying you should have learned when you were 3 to clean up after your own fucking self. Is it a restaurant? Do you see any busboys? Do we give you a fucking basket of peanuts to shell onto the floor? Okay, I understand it's dark & you might finish what you brought in well before the end of the movie & forget your trash, but the following things do not fit that category:
1. Dozens of pistachio shells.
2. Handfuls of napkins, used and unused. Not only is this wasteful, but shoving a handful of used napkins into the cup holder is fucking disgraceful. After awhile I stopped picking up napkins at all. If people are too lazy & want to wade around in their own shit, more power to 'em.
3. Half-eaten container of sushi from Harris Teeter, overturned. The whole theater smelled like soy sauce. Each of the 10 or so packets was ripped open & partially used. A thin stream of sauce meandered its way down the aisles into a puddle at the front of the theater.
4. Six empty bottles of Tequiza.
5. Half-eaten Subway sandwich, discarded unwrapped onto the floor. Henceforth I stopped anyone I saw with a Subway bag.
6. Half a dozen wrappers for nicotine gum. This was happening regularly, and I eventually figured out who was doing it. This went on the entire time I was working there so... I guess quitting wasn't working out for him.
7. Two empty tall boys in paper bags.
8. In the Women's bathroom, tampons. On the floor, clearly used. Seriously? There are little trash bins to put them in. Even then most people wrap them in toilet paper first. What kind of person pulls a bloody cloth from her vagina and just drops it there on the floor? No really, tell me. I will find her.
9. Tobacco spit cups.
10. Ticket stubs. To be fair, these little buggers can get away from you pretty easily. However, that doesn't mean you're off the hook if I watch you drop it on the way into the theater.
11. Heath (I think it was) found a used catheter on the floor of the men's bathroom.
Also I forgot about this one interaction I had at the concession counter.
Woman: A Coke and a popcorn.
Me: Which size would you like [pointing at the bags over the popper]?
W: Umm... do you have like a...
She starts making this motion with her hands & forms a circle about the size of a basketball. Anticipating the next words that would come out of her mouth & trying to spare her a little embarrassment, I start shaking my head.
W: Like a... bucket?
M [still shaking my head]: I'm sorry we don't.
W: The large then.
M: With butter?
W: Please.
I started as "manager" or projectionist at the Chelsea after about a year. At that point I started three shifts a week with one as box office only (see previous post). A few funnies that are frequent:
-"The projector is on fire!"
If the motor stops and the lamp is still running, its heat literally burns through a frame of the film. It's easily fixed & usually happens on worthless headers or footers. Still, it looks pretty dramatic on screen, almost like the whole screen is burning through from behind.
-"We were late, can you rewind the film?"
No. The motor only goes in one direction. Also, the platter system is such that, once you've started the film, it has to be completely run before it can be wound up. Otherwise, imagine pulling all the tape out of a videocassette & trying to feed it through your VCR. Sounds like an exaggeration, but until you see an entire film tangled up on the floor...
-"Isn't anyone in the booth!?"
No. The days of having to change reels every 20 mins are over - the whole film is spliced together. I've had people sit through 15 mins of a movie with no sound... like 20 people... assuming that someone was "working on it." Same with a stopped film.
-"Is X coming back?"
I have no idea. Do you ask the burger flipper at McDonald's if the McRib is coming back soon?
-"I've heard about X... will you be getting that movie?" Maybe [I check the schedule]. "What's that movie about?"
I'm tempted at this point to make something up based on the title.
-"Can I speak to the owner?" He's not here. "When will he be in?" He's in most weekday mornings. "No afternoons or evenings." Periodically. "Okay..."
It's great when the truth is more confusing to the solicitor than a lie.
-"Can I speak to the manager?"
Surprise!
We had this guy come in pretty regularly, an older guy in his 60s. He'd get two senior tickets & wait for this other woman to show up... not sure why that was. He would ask to speak to the projectionist. To this point I had only met with him indirectly, and I'd learned to lie to him that the projectionist was upstairs. He'd tell me to "Ask him to do a good job tonight." Now typically I'd sit near the box office so I could see what was going on & to get my chat on. This particular night Mallory was working & it was moderately busy. He came inside to buy his tickets (which I've mentioned I hate, especially if other customers are lining up outside in a normal queue) & asked who was projecting tonight. Mallory had to help another customer, so she basically just pointed at me & turned back to the window. I was cornered there on the bench. He came up to me & stood not 2 feet away, like if I'd stood up I'd be all up in his nose hairs.
Hoser: You projecting tonight?
Me [pretending to be paying attention to the box office so as not to have to make eye contact]: Yup.
H: You going to do a good job tonight?
M: I'm sorry?
H: I said, "Are you going to do a good job tonight?"
M: Sure, yeah... same as always [forced smile].
H: No not "same as always," I mean are you going to do a good job tonight? I've been here when projectionists just didn't seem to care about their jobs.
M: Okay...
H: So I want you to go up there & make sure the focus is right after the feature starts and that the sound is at the right level.
M: Actually from upstairs you can't monitor the level of the sound as-
H: Yes you can! And that's what you'll do! Then you'll come back downstairs & sell some Coke!
M: I'm sorry, you can't speak to me that way.
H: What?
M: I said "I'm sorry," [standing up] "You can't speak to me that way."
H: I'm just telling you to do-
M: No. You can't speak to me that way.
H: Well... maybe I should just tell Mr. Bruce Stone that he has a rude projectionist!
M: Actually I'll tell him myself if you like.
[He starts to walk away, in a huff]
M: Or I could give you your money back right now...
[He turns around and starts to say something I don't remember]
M: And you can leave.
H [turning back around]: This is ridiculous...
Fearing the ever popular angry letter, I related this story to Mr. Stone (the owner) within the week. He appeared skeptical until I got to the part where hoser used his name, when he interrupted me with "Who is this guy!?"
As the manager, one of my jobs was to empty the trash at the end of the night. I think this is what drove me to insanity... not the physical act of removing the bags, but cleaning out the theaters. To anyone who is about to start a sentence "But it's your job to..." let me cut you off by saying you should have learned when you were 3 to clean up after your own fucking self. Is it a restaurant? Do you see any busboys? Do we give you a fucking basket of peanuts to shell onto the floor? Okay, I understand it's dark & you might finish what you brought in well before the end of the movie & forget your trash, but the following things do not fit that category:
1. Dozens of pistachio shells.
2. Handfuls of napkins, used and unused. Not only is this wasteful, but shoving a handful of used napkins into the cup holder is fucking disgraceful. After awhile I stopped picking up napkins at all. If people are too lazy & want to wade around in their own shit, more power to 'em.
3. Half-eaten container of sushi from Harris Teeter, overturned. The whole theater smelled like soy sauce. Each of the 10 or so packets was ripped open & partially used. A thin stream of sauce meandered its way down the aisles into a puddle at the front of the theater.
4. Six empty bottles of Tequiza.
5. Half-eaten Subway sandwich, discarded unwrapped onto the floor. Henceforth I stopped anyone I saw with a Subway bag.
6. Half a dozen wrappers for nicotine gum. This was happening regularly, and I eventually figured out who was doing it. This went on the entire time I was working there so... I guess quitting wasn't working out for him.
7. Two empty tall boys in paper bags.
8. In the Women's bathroom, tampons. On the floor, clearly used. Seriously? There are little trash bins to put them in. Even then most people wrap them in toilet paper first. What kind of person pulls a bloody cloth from her vagina and just drops it there on the floor? No really, tell me. I will find her.
9. Tobacco spit cups.
10. Ticket stubs. To be fair, these little buggers can get away from you pretty easily. However, that doesn't mean you're off the hook if I watch you drop it on the way into the theater.
11. Heath (I think it was) found a used catheter on the floor of the men's bathroom.
Also I forgot about this one interaction I had at the concession counter.
Woman: A Coke and a popcorn.
Me: Which size would you like [pointing at the bags over the popper]?
W: Umm... do you have like a...
She starts making this motion with her hands & forms a circle about the size of a basketball. Anticipating the next words that would come out of her mouth & trying to spare her a little embarrassment, I start shaking my head.
W: Like a... bucket?
M [still shaking my head]: I'm sorry we don't.
W: The large then.
M: With butter?
W: Please.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Wee update
I remembered another weird drink order.
cust: One el dobio companion.
Only it wasn't quite "companion." It was sort of like... co-pañien.
me: I'm sorry?
cust: [repeats, slower]
me: [mulling it over] What's in this drink? Maybe that will help me figure out what you're looking for.
cust: It's like... just expresso. With whipped cream on top. I think it's Cuban or something.
me: Oh... espresso con panna?
cust: Yes, el dobio compañion.
me: Well, you don't need the "el." Just doppio [double] con panna.
cust: dobio compañion.
me: It's two words... con... panna?
cust: com... paño?
me: Con, it means "with."
cust: Con.
me: and panna, meaning cream, or whipped cream in this case.
cust: paña [man did she want to roll that letter]
me: So "con panna." "Doppio con panna."
cust: El doppio con paña.
I gave up and made the drink.
cust: One el dobio companion.
Only it wasn't quite "companion." It was sort of like... co-pañien.
me: I'm sorry?
cust: [repeats, slower]
me: [mulling it over] What's in this drink? Maybe that will help me figure out what you're looking for.
cust: It's like... just expresso. With whipped cream on top. I think it's Cuban or something.
me: Oh... espresso con panna?
cust: Yes, el dobio compañion.
me: Well, you don't need the "el." Just doppio [double] con panna.
cust: dobio compañion.
me: It's two words... con... panna?
cust: com... paño?
me: Con, it means "with."
cust: Con.
me: and panna, meaning cream, or whipped cream in this case.
cust: paña [man did she want to roll that letter]
me: So "con panna." "Doppio con panna."
cust: El doppio con paña.
I gave up and made the drink.
Monday, November 5, 2007
The Chels part 1: Rancid BO
I quit the Chelsea after working there for nearly 3 years. For roughly 2/3 of that time, I was a projectionist. I still worked the occasional box office shift selling tickets. I'll share my projectionist woes some other time, but here are some of the more obnoxious exchanges from the BO.
customer: Two adults and one child for [some movie about a lion].
me: We are no longer showing that feature.
customer: I read in the paper that it was showing here!
me: Thursday was our last showing [it was Sunday]; each new film week starts on Friday.
customer: Okay, well, what movies do you have for children?
me: We don't typically show kids' movies here. We're more of an- [she cut me off]
customer: This is very frustrating... [she trailed off away from the window]
Then her son maybe... 8 years old? walked up to the counter and said "that's not very good."
me: [leaning in toward the window] It is for me.
cust: What's [movie 1] about?
me: I haven't seen it. We have reviews posted on the board there [pointing].
cust: What about [movie 2]?
me: I'm not sure.
cust: And [movie 3]?
me: They're all fairly new.
cust: You haven't see any of the movies?
me: ...Don't ask me, I just sell the tickets.
It's hard to express how much of an ass I was being here. The air of contempt in my voice was palpable.
This one happened all the time.
cust: Which theater should we go in?
There are three goddamn doors. It's not a game show; you can figure it out. Plus I probably don't remember which movie you bought a ticket for.
me: The name is over the door.
cust: But which one is it?
me: Which movie are you seeing?
9 times out of 10 they check their stub. Seriously.
me: It's that one [pointing], where it says X over the door.
I can sort of understand if there are different directions to go or theater numbers or shit like that, but this is the very definition of simple.
cust: Can I bring in my own bottle of wine?
me: [stunned disbelief]
cust: One senior for X
me: Over 65? [the Chelsea's definition of "senior" tickets]
cust: What?
me: Are you over 65?
cust: What? I'm asking for a senior ticket.
me: Sorry, those tickets start at 65.
cust: I have an AARP card!
me: Okay, well that starts at 50.
cust: This is rediculous! The AARP pays to have these things available for their members.
me: I assure you this theater doesn't see any of that money.
cust: You're not going to sell me a senior ticket, are you?
Well, since you're such a gem...
me: Sorry.
cust [with his wife]: My wife and I came in here the other day to see a movie, and the guy refused to give us a refund.
This guy was David Woodward, and I had heard this story already. I humored him.
me: What movie did you come to see?
cust: Shopgirl, the Steve Martin movie.
There happened to be a huge standee for the movie right behind me.
me: Okay, did something happen to the film?
cust: No, it was just about some tramp, running around town sleeping with everybody. So then we went into another theater & it was about some queer.
me: And you didn't stay for the whole movie?
cust: No! We asked for our money back & he wouldn't give it to us!
me: Well we don't control the content of our films. Actually at this point I can't refund a ticket anyway, because that information is in a report that has already been closed.
cust: We were wanting to go to Pride & Prejudice instead.
me: I'm sorry, the nature of the industry is that they don't exchange equally like that. Imagine going to a gallery and not liking the Van Gogh. The Matisse isn't going to come free. [I'm sure I'm embellishing my eloquence here. I was way too pissed off to make a cogent metaphor.]
cust: If we'd known the movies weren't going to be good we wouldn't have come at all.
me: The content of the movies is not bad because you disagreed with it. Both the films were critically acclaimed. There are reviews posted on the boards over there that talk about the content that offended you as well.
cust: We don't care what those people think about the movie! We have our own opinions about that sort of thing.
me: The ratings board also gives reasons behind their ratings. See here [pointing at the standee] the detail for Shopgirl states "sexually deviant behavior" [or something like that].
cust: We didn't check the ratings; we just wanted to see a good movie.
This went on for awhile, but I didn't yield.
cust: You're not going to let us in to this movie are you.
cust. wife: I think he can do it, but he won't.
me: It's both.
cust: Fine, we'll pay to see this movie. 2 seniors.
me: Over 65?
This one didn't happen to me, but it was at the box office. I was projecting at the time & was upstairs.
cust: We want our money back.
Adam: Why's that?
cust: That movie's too gay.
Adam: What?
cust: We just didn't realize... we saw that it was made in NC, but... we didn't realize it would be so gay.
Adam: Gay?
cust: Yes. There's a homosexual in it.
Adam: Okay...
cust: We brought our 15 year old son!
Adam: We don't provide refunds after the first half hour.
cust: If we'd known it was so gay we wouldn't have come in the first place! There was no indication anywhere about that!
Adam: We have reviews posted at the boards that talk about the content.
cust: I didn't read the reviews.
Adam: We have these cards too [picks up the Loggerheads card].
cust: I read the card! It didn't say anything about that.
Adam: [skimming the card] "...and their openly gay son."
After standing stunned for a moment, they guy went into the theater to collect his family & left.
Instead of standing at the box office like a normal person, this guy came in and stood at the counter. For reference, don't do that shit unless you're invited. Nobody needs some asshole hovering over the cash drawer and watching you play Freecell. That shit is personal.
cust: Two for X [hands a credit card].
me: We take cash or local checks.
I say this because people inevitably ask if we take debit cards. When this happened to Graham once, the customer insisted they had accepted his card "last Friday." Anyway,
cust: I don't have any cash. Everybody takes credit cards!
me: Sorry. There's an ATM blah blah blah.
cust: Well what about this!
me: That's a ticket printer.
cust: It looks like a credit card machine!
I tapped the space bar and flashed him the printed ticket.
me: Nope.
So I guess he thought we actually did take credit cards? Has he been denied before because he's such an asshole? Well, he found the ATM all right.
Customer walks in with his date,
cust: Is this... the movies?
Elderly customers leaving the theater, not asking for a refund,
cust: We just realized we saw this movie two weeks ago!
Woman on bike: Glad I don't work for Coke!
There's a long list of quotes in the back room. I don't remember a lot of the gems, so maybe Graham or Daphne can help me out there.
Next time: Russ becomes a badass.
customer: Two adults and one child for [some movie about a lion].
me: We are no longer showing that feature.
customer: I read in the paper that it was showing here!
me: Thursday was our last showing [it was Sunday]; each new film week starts on Friday.
customer: Okay, well, what movies do you have for children?
me: We don't typically show kids' movies here. We're more of an- [she cut me off]
customer: This is very frustrating... [she trailed off away from the window]
Then her son maybe... 8 years old? walked up to the counter and said "that's not very good."
me: [leaning in toward the window] It is for me.
cust: What's [movie 1] about?
me: I haven't seen it. We have reviews posted on the board there [pointing].
cust: What about [movie 2]?
me: I'm not sure.
cust: And [movie 3]?
me: They're all fairly new.
cust: You haven't see any of the movies?
me: ...Don't ask me, I just sell the tickets.
It's hard to express how much of an ass I was being here. The air of contempt in my voice was palpable.
This one happened all the time.
cust: Which theater should we go in?
There are three goddamn doors. It's not a game show; you can figure it out. Plus I probably don't remember which movie you bought a ticket for.
me: The name is over the door.
cust: But which one is it?
me: Which movie are you seeing?
9 times out of 10 they check their stub. Seriously.
me: It's that one [pointing], where it says X over the door.
I can sort of understand if there are different directions to go or theater numbers or shit like that, but this is the very definition of simple.
cust: Can I bring in my own bottle of wine?
me: [stunned disbelief]
cust: One senior for X
me: Over 65? [the Chelsea's definition of "senior" tickets]
cust: What?
me: Are you over 65?
cust: What? I'm asking for a senior ticket.
me: Sorry, those tickets start at 65.
cust: I have an AARP card!
me: Okay, well that starts at 50.
cust: This is rediculous! The AARP pays to have these things available for their members.
me: I assure you this theater doesn't see any of that money.
cust: You're not going to sell me a senior ticket, are you?
Well, since you're such a gem...
me: Sorry.
cust [with his wife]: My wife and I came in here the other day to see a movie, and the guy refused to give us a refund.
This guy was David Woodward, and I had heard this story already. I humored him.
me: What movie did you come to see?
cust: Shopgirl, the Steve Martin movie.
There happened to be a huge standee for the movie right behind me.
me: Okay, did something happen to the film?
cust: No, it was just about some tramp, running around town sleeping with everybody. So then we went into another theater & it was about some queer.
me: And you didn't stay for the whole movie?
cust: No! We asked for our money back & he wouldn't give it to us!
me: Well we don't control the content of our films. Actually at this point I can't refund a ticket anyway, because that information is in a report that has already been closed.
cust: We were wanting to go to Pride & Prejudice instead.
me: I'm sorry, the nature of the industry is that they don't exchange equally like that. Imagine going to a gallery and not liking the Van Gogh. The Matisse isn't going to come free. [I'm sure I'm embellishing my eloquence here. I was way too pissed off to make a cogent metaphor.]
cust: If we'd known the movies weren't going to be good we wouldn't have come at all.
me: The content of the movies is not bad because you disagreed with it. Both the films were critically acclaimed. There are reviews posted on the boards over there that talk about the content that offended you as well.
cust: We don't care what those people think about the movie! We have our own opinions about that sort of thing.
me: The ratings board also gives reasons behind their ratings. See here [pointing at the standee] the detail for Shopgirl states "sexually deviant behavior" [or something like that].
cust: We didn't check the ratings; we just wanted to see a good movie.
This went on for awhile, but I didn't yield.
cust: You're not going to let us in to this movie are you.
cust. wife: I think he can do it, but he won't.
me: It's both.
cust: Fine, we'll pay to see this movie. 2 seniors.
me: Over 65?
This one didn't happen to me, but it was at the box office. I was projecting at the time & was upstairs.
cust: We want our money back.
Adam: Why's that?
cust: That movie's too gay.
Adam: What?
cust: We just didn't realize... we saw that it was made in NC, but... we didn't realize it would be so gay.
Adam: Gay?
cust: Yes. There's a homosexual in it.
Adam: Okay...
cust: We brought our 15 year old son!
Adam: We don't provide refunds after the first half hour.
cust: If we'd known it was so gay we wouldn't have come in the first place! There was no indication anywhere about that!
Adam: We have reviews posted at the boards that talk about the content.
cust: I didn't read the reviews.
Adam: We have these cards too [picks up the Loggerheads card].
cust: I read the card! It didn't say anything about that.
Adam: [skimming the card] "...and their openly gay son."
After standing stunned for a moment, they guy went into the theater to collect his family & left.
Instead of standing at the box office like a normal person, this guy came in and stood at the counter. For reference, don't do that shit unless you're invited. Nobody needs some asshole hovering over the cash drawer and watching you play Freecell. That shit is personal.
cust: Two for X [hands a credit card].
me: We take cash or local checks.
I say this because people inevitably ask if we take debit cards. When this happened to Graham once, the customer insisted they had accepted his card "last Friday." Anyway,
cust: I don't have any cash. Everybody takes credit cards!
me: Sorry. There's an ATM blah blah blah.
cust: Well what about this!
me: That's a ticket printer.
cust: It looks like a credit card machine!
I tapped the space bar and flashed him the printed ticket.
me: Nope.
So I guess he thought we actually did take credit cards? Has he been denied before because he's such an asshole? Well, he found the ATM all right.
Customer walks in with his date,
cust: Is this... the movies?
Elderly customers leaving the theater, not asking for a refund,
cust: We just realized we saw this movie two weeks ago!
Woman on bike: Glad I don't work for Coke!
There's a long list of quotes in the back room. I don't remember a lot of the gems, so maybe Graham or Daphne can help me out there.
Next time: Russ becomes a badass.
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