Well, here it is 2010 & I never finished my best of 2008 blog post. Somehow that also kept me from producing any other sort of post for the last year. I decided to just leave this guy as is & post it before moving on to the best of 2009, which you will see shortly! Promise!
Sometimes I like to fancy that someone cares what I think about music. You may have heard me slyly insert that I was once a college station DJ or perhaps interject that "this sounds like the lovechild of Six Organs of Admittance with Sleepytime Gorilla Museum." Anyway if you're down for some musical masturbation I have for you
RUSS'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2008
2008 releases
1. Chad VanGaalen, Soft Airplane (Sub Pop)
I purchased this album after hearing a single song on the radio. To be honest I was more thrilled that the TEXT function had worked & I'd gotten the name of the artist without having to listen to one of the vapid DJs on NC State's radio station THE REVOLUTION. Apparently their revolution was to start doing immature station ID's, giving themselves DJ names like "the fox," and taking paid advertisements.
Surprisingly enough, the album is entirely listenable (despite some obscurity scattered throughout). His songwriting is often captivating, even humorous. Take, for instance, "I can hear the cries of the dead/ Maybe it's your neighbor beating his dog in the basement." Some might find his delivery whiny, but I believe it's the kind of controlled warble you might get from someone like Thom Yorke. Still, it likely fails what I like to call
THE PARENT TEST FOR NEW MUSIC
a. Does the music fall into one of the accepted categories of white people music: folk, cookie-cutter rock, inoffensive dance/disco, covers of songs we already know the words to?
b. Will the lyrics cause one to blush in mixed company?
c. After passing the above, will the disc be skipped anyway in favor of ZZ Top?
In other news, I decided (ill-advisedly) to purchase his earlier album Skelliconnection after enjoying this one so much. Though still enjoyable, I found it to suffer from unimaginative drumming and production... and just a bit too pop-y (a word I've said often but never attempted to spell). I was reminded of Grandaddy's third album Sumday and what a disappointment it had been (inversely from VanGaalen chronologically) after The Sophtware Slump. In addition to that coincidence the fact that their tone is unmistakeably similar.
2. Animal Collective, Water Curses EP (Domino)
It's no secret that I have intense feelings... sexual feelings towards Animal Collective. Now, initially it was all negative. Immediately following their release of Sung Tongs in 2004, I was working at the college radio station all hours. One afternoon I was called and told I could come in an hour later due to a scheduled interview. This was pretty common, though it was rare I had even heard of the band. I came in during the interview to pull records for my show & occasionally crossed paths with members of the band. They wore old clothes and had a haze that followed them like stale pot smoke. Since they were touring, they had likely not showered in weeks & smelled like they'd been dumpster diving, a distinct possibility. What followed was pure contempt, and, mind, I had never heard their music. Assuming it was some hippie bullshit I passed it over in the following months. Eventually I heard the full album & came a little. I discretely purchased Sung Tongs and, a challenge at that time, the bulk of their material. As time passed I attended several shows of theirs through the much lauded Feels release. In 2007, Panda Bear (a founding member) put out my favorite album from that year. The same year saw the release of Strawberry Jam. Okay, I've been rambling for awhile here, but the idea of putting an EP on a top 10 list is to say that this record was, as best as I can tell, an apology for Strawberry Jam. The tour that followed, which I unabashedly enjoyed, had them pretty much playing the album. Previous shows had been mostly noise (though enjoyable), and I think the band began to feel they had sold out. Succinct yet soulful, Water Curses was the stepping stone between Person Pitch and Animal Collective's spectacular 2009 release, Merriweather Post Pavilion.
3. Hercules & Love Affair, Hercules & Love Affair (DFA)
It's a curse of mine that I will buy just about anything from DFA. The label is run by two guys who also do remixes (as is my understanding). After a spectacular pair of label samplers/remixes, they went on to produce two chapters of fun remixes (mostly off-label) that are incomparably playable. So I confess that picking up H&LA was more an indulgence in DFA than my knowledge of their work, which was nonexistent. The reviews I have read attribute the success of this record to the input of Antony. Though he appears to be only a guest artist of sorts, I had viewed him from the outset as a quintessential part of the band (if you can call it a band). His vocals actually sound more like a deep-voiced female, and a quick glance at any biography will nod to the reasons behind that. The result is a passionate act of disco that is not stale top 40 wankage. Though the lyrics are not, by themselves, expressive, their delivery lends them credence. "You Belong" (to him tonight) has a kind of desperate urgency that makes me start dancing, as if for my life. I had it playing at the store once & went to the back to fill a cup with ice. I started groovin' at the ice machine when a young girl spotted me on her way to the bathroom. She joined in with six year-old vigor, and I knew at that moment that this was a music that transcended generations.
4. Crystal Castles, Crystal Castles (Last Gang)
Anyone who was around me during the summer months of '08 knows I played the hell out of this album.
5. No Age, Nouns ()
6. Benjy Hughes, A Love Extreme ()
7 . Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend ()
8. MGMT, Oracular Spectacular ()
9. Department of Eagles
Honorable Mentions
1. She & Him, Volume One (Merge)
New to Me
1. Bark Bark Bark, Haunts ()
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Zing!
I wanted to take an opportunity to toot my own horn.
Jen & I were idly conversing the other day.
Me: I'm trying to think of the term... for a logical fallacy when you keep wishing for something to happen. And then when it does happen you say, "Oh, it's because I wished for it!"
Jen: I'm not sure... It's not self-fulfilling prophecy.
Me: It's not caveat emptor, though I bet it's all latin-sounding.
Jen: Now that's going to bug me all day.
Me: Oh, I've got it!
Jen: Yeah?
Me: Christianity!
FYI, from the wikipedia article, I believe Non Sequitur best fits the description we were looking for, though it covers a broader spectrum of fallacies.
Jen & I were idly conversing the other day.
Me: I'm trying to think of the term... for a logical fallacy when you keep wishing for something to happen. And then when it does happen you say, "Oh, it's because I wished for it!"
Jen: I'm not sure... It's not self-fulfilling prophecy.
Me: It's not caveat emptor, though I bet it's all latin-sounding.
Jen: Now that's going to bug me all day.
Me: Oh, I've got it!
Jen: Yeah?
Me: Christianity!
FYI, from the wikipedia article, I believe Non Sequitur best fits the description we were looking for, though it covers a broader spectrum of fallacies.
Invalid query
Predictions for our time together based on the questions you ask me:
1. "What's good today?"
We're about to have an awkward conversation about the difference between a latte and a cappuccino.
2. "How are these?"
You want me to lie.
3. "Where's your bathroom?"
Ten minutes from now I will knock on the door & interrupt your second line of coke.
4. "Do you have wi-fi?"
Your home office is occupied since the kids are out of school today.
5. "What's playing [on the radio] right now?"
You want my body.
6. "Is the owner in today?"
A group of customers is about to walk in the door.
7. "Do you know any good places to eat around here?"
I'm going to discover that I do not, in fact, know the best place to get a slice in NYC.
8. "Can you make a kid's hot chocolate?"
My calls to keep hands out of the retail beans will go unheeded.
9. "Don't you have just regular ol' coffee?"
The bus from the retirement home broke down out front.
10. "What's yer biggest size frappuccino?"
My ability to suppress a gag reflex is about to be tested.
1. "What's good today?"
We're about to have an awkward conversation about the difference between a latte and a cappuccino.
2. "How are these?"
You want me to lie.
3. "Where's your bathroom?"
Ten minutes from now I will knock on the door & interrupt your second line of coke.
4. "Do you have wi-fi?"
Your home office is occupied since the kids are out of school today.
5. "What's playing [on the radio] right now?"
You want my body.
6. "Is the owner in today?"
A group of customers is about to walk in the door.
7. "Do you know any good places to eat around here?"
I'm going to discover that I do not, in fact, know the best place to get a slice in NYC.
8. "Can you make a kid's hot chocolate?"
My calls to keep hands out of the retail beans will go unheeded.
9. "Don't you have just regular ol' coffee?"
The bus from the retirement home broke down out front.
10. "What's yer biggest size frappuccino?"
My ability to suppress a gag reflex is about to be tested.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Another best of
I was rolling in a bit on the late side this morning & still had tons of stuff to do when customers started coming in. Not a big deal, mind, but difficult to juggle the usual opening tasks with an influx of customers as well.
In walks Willy Loman. The type, you know, with a little extra confidence pinned to his jacket. He was round in the middle and tall. I'd imagine he orders much of his clothing by catalog. Additionally there was, of course, the gray ponytail. He came in with a backpack over his shoulder, and I began to reminisce about Sneaky Santa. A short while later, the backpack and jacket came off to reveal a dingy white t-shirt and suspenders. I had just finished paying the milkman when he walked in. As he approached, he held up the OPEN/CLOSED sign and proclaimed, "Do you need this?" It hangs from a little suction cup, which he had also removed.
"I don't need that."
"Are you open?"
"We are... I don't need that back here."
He ordered a coffee and offered that he would be back once I'd gotten things together a bit.
"You a new place?"
"We've been here a little over a year now."
"You know in the big city at the STAR-BUCKS [I don't know how else to iterate how he pronounced it, almost as if I'd never heard the word before] they have CDs right up front & they just pop 'em in with all that music already loaded up."
"Yeah I uh... I pick the music here generally." [I'd just put a CD in, the soundtrack to There Will Be Blood] "They used to send us these pop CDs, Cafe Music or whatever, which were just terrible. We never played them, and I don't know why they ever started sending them."
"The city I'm from... In Boston the streets are just paved with CDs!"
"Uh huh..."
Anyway he was a pretty nice guy I guess, just quirky as all hell. It was like nobody had ever had a conversation about media before.
I've been asked a few times now what I like to drink. Back before I worked in a coffee shop I'd order all the sweet-ass milkshake drinks or get a flavor in drip coffee. To be fair, the coffee around campus was piss poor. Generally I just drank soda. On my way to class in the mornings I'd pick up a soda or sometimes a Sobe thing to wash down a multi-vitamin. Breakfast! As time went on though, I realized that I liked coffee much better without any sweetener. I mean I've cut a lot of the sugary shit out of my diet since then, but I'm talking about the taste.
These days I mostly drink regular black coffee. If I'm at a place I don't know I'll typically put a splash of whole milk in there too. During the mornings when I work I'll go through maybe... as little as 8oz of coffee or as much as 25oz. Some days when I'm training I get all wired up tasting espresso, too. I can't get into the spitting thing; it reminds me too much of chewing tobacco. Once I mistook a can of spittle for my black cherry soda and wound up hurling into the sink for about half an hour (followed by chugging water & jamming my finger down my throat).
If I'm feeling adventurous I have a couple of standby drinks.
This is an iced americano, for lack of better descriptors. It's a little ice and water with a splash of whole milk. Then I pull a triple ristretto espresso over some cool water (to keep from shocking it on the ice) and put it all together. It's pretty strong at first, since I don't mix it in, but that way the last bit is more manageable.
This is just a slight variation with some frothed milk spooned on top. An iced cappuccino, if you will. If you won't then I don't know what to tell you...
In walks Willy Loman. The type, you know, with a little extra confidence pinned to his jacket. He was round in the middle and tall. I'd imagine he orders much of his clothing by catalog. Additionally there was, of course, the gray ponytail. He came in with a backpack over his shoulder, and I began to reminisce about Sneaky Santa. A short while later, the backpack and jacket came off to reveal a dingy white t-shirt and suspenders. I had just finished paying the milkman when he walked in. As he approached, he held up the OPEN/CLOSED sign and proclaimed, "Do you need this?" It hangs from a little suction cup, which he had also removed.
"I don't need that."
"Are you open?"
"We are... I don't need that back here."
He ordered a coffee and offered that he would be back once I'd gotten things together a bit.
"You a new place?"
"We've been here a little over a year now."
"You know in the big city at the STAR-BUCKS [I don't know how else to iterate how he pronounced it, almost as if I'd never heard the word before] they have CDs right up front & they just pop 'em in with all that music already loaded up."
"Yeah I uh... I pick the music here generally." [I'd just put a CD in, the soundtrack to There Will Be Blood] "They used to send us these pop CDs, Cafe Music or whatever, which were just terrible. We never played them, and I don't know why they ever started sending them."
"The city I'm from... In Boston the streets are just paved with CDs!"
"Uh huh..."
Anyway he was a pretty nice guy I guess, just quirky as all hell. It was like nobody had ever had a conversation about media before.
I've been asked a few times now what I like to drink. Back before I worked in a coffee shop I'd order all the sweet-ass milkshake drinks or get a flavor in drip coffee. To be fair, the coffee around campus was piss poor. Generally I just drank soda. On my way to class in the mornings I'd pick up a soda or sometimes a Sobe thing to wash down a multi-vitamin. Breakfast! As time went on though, I realized that I liked coffee much better without any sweetener. I mean I've cut a lot of the sugary shit out of my diet since then, but I'm talking about the taste.
These days I mostly drink regular black coffee. If I'm at a place I don't know I'll typically put a splash of whole milk in there too. During the mornings when I work I'll go through maybe... as little as 8oz of coffee or as much as 25oz. Some days when I'm training I get all wired up tasting espresso, too. I can't get into the spitting thing; it reminds me too much of chewing tobacco. Once I mistook a can of spittle for my black cherry soda and wound up hurling into the sink for about half an hour (followed by chugging water & jamming my finger down my throat).
If I'm feeling adventurous I have a couple of standby drinks.
This is an iced americano, for lack of better descriptors. It's a little ice and water with a splash of whole milk. Then I pull a triple ristretto espresso over some cool water (to keep from shocking it on the ice) and put it all together. It's pretty strong at first, since I don't mix it in, but that way the last bit is more manageable.
This is just a slight variation with some frothed milk spooned on top. An iced cappuccino, if you will. If you won't then I don't know what to tell you...
Friday, August 1, 2008
Come get some
A couple of frustrating situations I'd like to relate.
This morning a woman came in whom I didn't recognize. That's not unusual of course. And anyway I can't remember every fuckface that comes in the door. Sometimes I'll have people who will ask for "the usual," but fucked if I know what drink you ordered on one or two other occasions over the period of a few weeks. Okay, well, in this case it became clear she'd been there before (which I'll get to in a second). Things immediately start to go wrong here, so I played it out best I could. I'll admit I'm easily irritated. Let's just get that out of the way. Chances are you do something that annoys me. I'll survive. I do things that annoy me. To other people I mean... not to myself. There are those rare interactions, however, wherein nothing seems to go right.
1. She began by identifying her coffee as the "Peabody" rather than the appropriate "Peaberry." Not that big a deal, right? I nearly corrected her but thought better of it. It was already the third time that mistake had been made today.
2. She produced five whole bean stamp cards, each with roughly two pounds (out of ten) stamped. Surely not the first time I've combined somebody's cards, but this was a record. If you've ever had business cards printed out, you'll know that they can be pricey. Further irked, I still combined the cards & kept my composure.
3. I ask her if she needs anything else, and she declines. After paying, she brings up the complimentary coffee that comes with whole bean purchases. She could have said something when I asked but... well I guess that doesn't matter so much. Thing is, the free coffee comes with a pound or more purchased. She had about 3/4 of a pound. I don't know but... it seems like she would only have waited until the transaction was over if she knew she didn't have enough. Let's suss out how this went, shall we?
Me: I'm sorry; the free 8oz comes with a pound or more. You have about 3/4 pound here.
[I'll mention at this time that it is extremely annoying when people want to try to accumulate their free coffees. That's why we say at the "time of purchase" so it's not so goddamn difficult to complete the transaction. I mean who the fuck is going to keep track of that?]
Cust: Oh, so I'm not a good enough customer?
[see if you can come up with a reasonable answer to this question]
Me: Oh you know... silly policies.
Cust [walking away]: That's why people come to small businesses, right? To avoid all that corporate stuff.
Me: Mmmm...
Alright, so who the fuck are you then? You've obviously bought coffee here before, but I don't know you. You expect something for free because...
1. You're a regular customer.
2. We're a small business.
Do either of those make sense? I just... can't get my head around it.
Another thing, which happened yesterday, is another sticky one. I've written about bums before (this city's got 'em). As far as vagrants go, this guy wasn't so bad. I was told a bit later that he was known in nearby businesses as "Sneaky Santa." I suppose his beard was reminiscent, but he seemed a bit to decrepit to pull off anything sneaky.
SS might have been sitting at a table out front, but I believe it's more likely he was simply walking by. A customer decided he "looked like he needed a cup of coffee" and bought one for him. Congratulations, fuckwit! Your $1.40 has bought you a feeling of self-satisfaction that will keep you smug for the rest of the goddamn day! Meanwhile, I am given the opportunity to express my goodwill for the next six hours. Sweet! I can't ask him to leave because... well I guess he's sort of a customer. He sat there at a table inside, smelling of his salty-sweet self, making awkward eye contact with every hapless customer who walked in the door. On the plus side, I got to enjoy a range of reactions to his presence such as eye-averting fear and short-lived pity. From time to time he tried to make conversation, but I was unable to glean more than the following:
1. It's hot outside.
2. Barbers shave with a straight razor.
3. Our company roasts its own coffee in a small town which he has visited (or possibly grew up in).
4. He also has a Bojangles cup.
5. A query: is that sound a television? No. It is, in fact, the radio.
I briefed my replacement on the situation, to which his response was "No more refills for him!" Well played, friend. Well played indeed. I grew worried that he would reemerge today, but he has not (so far). Perhaps the heat, in conjunction with a scorching hot diuretic, killed him.
A special thanks to Wikipedia and Google image search for making the unnecessary hyperlinks possible.
This morning a woman came in whom I didn't recognize. That's not unusual of course. And anyway I can't remember every fuckface that comes in the door. Sometimes I'll have people who will ask for "the usual," but fucked if I know what drink you ordered on one or two other occasions over the period of a few weeks. Okay, well, in this case it became clear she'd been there before (which I'll get to in a second). Things immediately start to go wrong here, so I played it out best I could. I'll admit I'm easily irritated. Let's just get that out of the way. Chances are you do something that annoys me. I'll survive. I do things that annoy me. To other people I mean... not to myself. There are those rare interactions, however, wherein nothing seems to go right.
1. She began by identifying her coffee as the "Peabody" rather than the appropriate "Peaberry." Not that big a deal, right? I nearly corrected her but thought better of it. It was already the third time that mistake had been made today.
2. She produced five whole bean stamp cards, each with roughly two pounds (out of ten) stamped. Surely not the first time I've combined somebody's cards, but this was a record. If you've ever had business cards printed out, you'll know that they can be pricey. Further irked, I still combined the cards & kept my composure.
3. I ask her if she needs anything else, and she declines. After paying, she brings up the complimentary coffee that comes with whole bean purchases. She could have said something when I asked but... well I guess that doesn't matter so much. Thing is, the free coffee comes with a pound or more purchased. She had about 3/4 of a pound. I don't know but... it seems like she would only have waited until the transaction was over if she knew she didn't have enough. Let's suss out how this went, shall we?
Me: I'm sorry; the free 8oz comes with a pound or more. You have about 3/4 pound here.
[I'll mention at this time that it is extremely annoying when people want to try to accumulate their free coffees. That's why we say at the "time of purchase" so it's not so goddamn difficult to complete the transaction. I mean who the fuck is going to keep track of that?]
Cust: Oh, so I'm not a good enough customer?
[see if you can come up with a reasonable answer to this question]
Me: Oh you know... silly policies.
Cust [walking away]: That's why people come to small businesses, right? To avoid all that corporate stuff.
Me: Mmmm...
Alright, so who the fuck are you then? You've obviously bought coffee here before, but I don't know you. You expect something for free because...
1. You're a regular customer.
2. We're a small business.
Do either of those make sense? I just... can't get my head around it.
Another thing, which happened yesterday, is another sticky one. I've written about bums before (this city's got 'em). As far as vagrants go, this guy wasn't so bad. I was told a bit later that he was known in nearby businesses as "Sneaky Santa." I suppose his beard was reminiscent, but he seemed a bit to decrepit to pull off anything sneaky.
SS might have been sitting at a table out front, but I believe it's more likely he was simply walking by. A customer decided he "looked like he needed a cup of coffee" and bought one for him. Congratulations, fuckwit! Your $1.40 has bought you a feeling of self-satisfaction that will keep you smug for the rest of the goddamn day! Meanwhile, I am given the opportunity to express my goodwill for the next six hours. Sweet! I can't ask him to leave because... well I guess he's sort of a customer. He sat there at a table inside, smelling of his salty-sweet self, making awkward eye contact with every hapless customer who walked in the door. On the plus side, I got to enjoy a range of reactions to his presence such as eye-averting fear and short-lived pity. From time to time he tried to make conversation, but I was unable to glean more than the following:
1. It's hot outside.
2. Barbers shave with a straight razor.
3. Our company roasts its own coffee in a small town which he has visited (or possibly grew up in).
4. He also has a Bojangles cup.
5. A query: is that sound a television? No. It is, in fact, the radio.
I briefed my replacement on the situation, to which his response was "No more refills for him!" Well played, friend. Well played indeed. I grew worried that he would reemerge today, but he has not (so far). Perhaps the heat, in conjunction with a scorching hot diuretic, killed him.
A special thanks to Wikipedia and Google image search for making the unnecessary hyperlinks possible.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Coffee con leche
I've spoken about the vague things that happen across long periods of working at a coffee shop. Sometimes, many of those things culminate in a single morning to remind me of how annoying (in petty ways) people can be. Monday this week was one of those! None of these are major offenses, mind, but I just thought I'd show how ridiculous I can be.
1. Asking me "What's good today?"
Uh... the coffee? This might work at a restaurant where there are specials or catches of the day or whatever, but we have two coffees. Do you want one of those coffees? Do you want the one that I like? No, I don't know what the hell you mean. I suppose it's meant to be nice, but let's face it that there just aren't that many choices. The order wound up being a mocha. Surprise! And yeah, it's pretty much the same as it was yesterday and last week and when we first opened. It's a mocha. Then sure, it's good today.
2. Speaking Spanglish.
Children who learn two languages sometimes blend the two when they are looking for a word that doesn't come to mind immediately in the primary languages. Interesting stuff! When an English-speaking adult does it, though, it says "I don't speak Spanish very well." I can't really iterate what I find irritating about this, but maybe you too find the phrase "Over on the counter there they have uh... leche" grating as well.
3. Ignoring the children.
Left to their own devices, 2 year olds will yell, throw shit around, and injure themselves. Also, not responding to their "Mommy" cries will not eventually yield silence. They're gonna keep doing it. These two were throwing a cell phone to the ground, picking it back up, and throwing it again. It took a dozen of these gleeful tosses before anything was said, and even then it was a "Now, now..." kind of affair.
4. MAWDS (Middle-Aged Woman Dance Syndrome).
The quickest way to induce symptoms of this syndrome is to play the Beatles. Otherwise ordinary, whole-milk fearing ladies will gyrate casually, perhaps recalling a sock hop prior to when their first child was conceived. Together we can end MAWDS. Currently the only cure is playing unlistenable music, but a variety of sleeper holds have been found to incapacitate the suffering party until the offending song has passed.
5. Requiring a ludicrous number of vessels for baked goods.
A plate for each item and a bag for the remainder some time later. It's not that I'm all that particular about waste but... come on. You know, reduce your carbon footprint or some shit, I dunno.
6. Interrupting me while I'm answering a question.
I don't really care if I'm interrupted during inane chatter. I was asked what coffee we were serving, and I began, "It's a blend of the Sumatra with the-"
"OH! Sumatra! Hey, it's the Sumatra."
Perhaps it will not surprise you at this point to discover that all of these were from the same person.
1. Asking me "What's good today?"
Uh... the coffee? This might work at a restaurant where there are specials or catches of the day or whatever, but we have two coffees. Do you want one of those coffees? Do you want the one that I like? No, I don't know what the hell you mean. I suppose it's meant to be nice, but let's face it that there just aren't that many choices. The order wound up being a mocha. Surprise! And yeah, it's pretty much the same as it was yesterday and last week and when we first opened. It's a mocha. Then sure, it's good today.
2. Speaking Spanglish.
Children who learn two languages sometimes blend the two when they are looking for a word that doesn't come to mind immediately in the primary languages. Interesting stuff! When an English-speaking adult does it, though, it says "I don't speak Spanish very well." I can't really iterate what I find irritating about this, but maybe you too find the phrase "Over on the counter there they have uh... leche" grating as well.
3. Ignoring the children.
Left to their own devices, 2 year olds will yell, throw shit around, and injure themselves. Also, not responding to their "Mommy" cries will not eventually yield silence. They're gonna keep doing it. These two were throwing a cell phone to the ground, picking it back up, and throwing it again. It took a dozen of these gleeful tosses before anything was said, and even then it was a "Now, now..." kind of affair.
4. MAWDS (Middle-Aged Woman Dance Syndrome).
The quickest way to induce symptoms of this syndrome is to play the Beatles. Otherwise ordinary, whole-milk fearing ladies will gyrate casually, perhaps recalling a sock hop prior to when their first child was conceived. Together we can end MAWDS. Currently the only cure is playing unlistenable music, but a variety of sleeper holds have been found to incapacitate the suffering party until the offending song has passed.
5. Requiring a ludicrous number of vessels for baked goods.
A plate for each item and a bag for the remainder some time later. It's not that I'm all that particular about waste but... come on. You know, reduce your carbon footprint or some shit, I dunno.
6. Interrupting me while I'm answering a question.
I don't really care if I'm interrupted during inane chatter. I was asked what coffee we were serving, and I began, "It's a blend of the Sumatra with the-"
"OH! Sumatra! Hey, it's the Sumatra."
Perhaps it will not surprise you at this point to discover that all of these were from the same person.
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