I wanted to take an opportunity to toot my own horn.
Jen & I were idly conversing the other day.
Me: I'm trying to think of the term... for a logical fallacy when you keep wishing for something to happen. And then when it does happen you say, "Oh, it's because I wished for it!"
Jen: I'm not sure... It's not self-fulfilling prophecy.
Me: It's not caveat emptor, though I bet it's all latin-sounding.
Jen: Now that's going to bug me all day.
Me: Oh, I've got it!
Jen: Yeah?
Me: Christianity!
FYI, from the wikipedia article, I believe Non Sequitur best fits the description we were looking for, though it covers a broader spectrum of fallacies.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Invalid query
Predictions for our time together based on the questions you ask me:
1. "What's good today?"
We're about to have an awkward conversation about the difference between a latte and a cappuccino.
2. "How are these?"
You want me to lie.
3. "Where's your bathroom?"
Ten minutes from now I will knock on the door & interrupt your second line of coke.
4. "Do you have wi-fi?"
Your home office is occupied since the kids are out of school today.
5. "What's playing [on the radio] right now?"
You want my body.
6. "Is the owner in today?"
A group of customers is about to walk in the door.
7. "Do you know any good places to eat around here?"
I'm going to discover that I do not, in fact, know the best place to get a slice in NYC.
8. "Can you make a kid's hot chocolate?"
My calls to keep hands out of the retail beans will go unheeded.
9. "Don't you have just regular ol' coffee?"
The bus from the retirement home broke down out front.
10. "What's yer biggest size frappuccino?"
My ability to suppress a gag reflex is about to be tested.
1. "What's good today?"
We're about to have an awkward conversation about the difference between a latte and a cappuccino.
2. "How are these?"
You want me to lie.
3. "Where's your bathroom?"
Ten minutes from now I will knock on the door & interrupt your second line of coke.
4. "Do you have wi-fi?"
Your home office is occupied since the kids are out of school today.
5. "What's playing [on the radio] right now?"
You want my body.
6. "Is the owner in today?"
A group of customers is about to walk in the door.
7. "Do you know any good places to eat around here?"
I'm going to discover that I do not, in fact, know the best place to get a slice in NYC.
8. "Can you make a kid's hot chocolate?"
My calls to keep hands out of the retail beans will go unheeded.
9. "Don't you have just regular ol' coffee?"
The bus from the retirement home broke down out front.
10. "What's yer biggest size frappuccino?"
My ability to suppress a gag reflex is about to be tested.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Another best of
I was rolling in a bit on the late side this morning & still had tons of stuff to do when customers started coming in. Not a big deal, mind, but difficult to juggle the usual opening tasks with an influx of customers as well.
In walks Willy Loman. The type, you know, with a little extra confidence pinned to his jacket. He was round in the middle and tall. I'd imagine he orders much of his clothing by catalog. Additionally there was, of course, the gray ponytail. He came in with a backpack over his shoulder, and I began to reminisce about Sneaky Santa. A short while later, the backpack and jacket came off to reveal a dingy white t-shirt and suspenders. I had just finished paying the milkman when he walked in. As he approached, he held up the OPEN/CLOSED sign and proclaimed, "Do you need this?" It hangs from a little suction cup, which he had also removed.
"I don't need that."
"Are you open?"
"We are... I don't need that back here."
He ordered a coffee and offered that he would be back once I'd gotten things together a bit.
"You a new place?"
"We've been here a little over a year now."
"You know in the big city at the STAR-BUCKS [I don't know how else to iterate how he pronounced it, almost as if I'd never heard the word before] they have CDs right up front & they just pop 'em in with all that music already loaded up."
"Yeah I uh... I pick the music here generally." [I'd just put a CD in, the soundtrack to There Will Be Blood] "They used to send us these pop CDs, Cafe Music or whatever, which were just terrible. We never played them, and I don't know why they ever started sending them."
"The city I'm from... In Boston the streets are just paved with CDs!"
"Uh huh..."
Anyway he was a pretty nice guy I guess, just quirky as all hell. It was like nobody had ever had a conversation about media before.
I've been asked a few times now what I like to drink. Back before I worked in a coffee shop I'd order all the sweet-ass milkshake drinks or get a flavor in drip coffee. To be fair, the coffee around campus was piss poor. Generally I just drank soda. On my way to class in the mornings I'd pick up a soda or sometimes a Sobe thing to wash down a multi-vitamin. Breakfast! As time went on though, I realized that I liked coffee much better without any sweetener. I mean I've cut a lot of the sugary shit out of my diet since then, but I'm talking about the taste.
These days I mostly drink regular black coffee. If I'm at a place I don't know I'll typically put a splash of whole milk in there too. During the mornings when I work I'll go through maybe... as little as 8oz of coffee or as much as 25oz. Some days when I'm training I get all wired up tasting espresso, too. I can't get into the spitting thing; it reminds me too much of chewing tobacco. Once I mistook a can of spittle for my black cherry soda and wound up hurling into the sink for about half an hour (followed by chugging water & jamming my finger down my throat).
If I'm feeling adventurous I have a couple of standby drinks.
This is an iced americano, for lack of better descriptors. It's a little ice and water with a splash of whole milk. Then I pull a triple ristretto espresso over some cool water (to keep from shocking it on the ice) and put it all together. It's pretty strong at first, since I don't mix it in, but that way the last bit is more manageable.
This is just a slight variation with some frothed milk spooned on top. An iced cappuccino, if you will. If you won't then I don't know what to tell you...
In walks Willy Loman. The type, you know, with a little extra confidence pinned to his jacket. He was round in the middle and tall. I'd imagine he orders much of his clothing by catalog. Additionally there was, of course, the gray ponytail. He came in with a backpack over his shoulder, and I began to reminisce about Sneaky Santa. A short while later, the backpack and jacket came off to reveal a dingy white t-shirt and suspenders. I had just finished paying the milkman when he walked in. As he approached, he held up the OPEN/CLOSED sign and proclaimed, "Do you need this?" It hangs from a little suction cup, which he had also removed.
"I don't need that."
"Are you open?"
"We are... I don't need that back here."
He ordered a coffee and offered that he would be back once I'd gotten things together a bit.
"You a new place?"
"We've been here a little over a year now."
"You know in the big city at the STAR-BUCKS [I don't know how else to iterate how he pronounced it, almost as if I'd never heard the word before] they have CDs right up front & they just pop 'em in with all that music already loaded up."
"Yeah I uh... I pick the music here generally." [I'd just put a CD in, the soundtrack to There Will Be Blood] "They used to send us these pop CDs, Cafe Music or whatever, which were just terrible. We never played them, and I don't know why they ever started sending them."
"The city I'm from... In Boston the streets are just paved with CDs!"
"Uh huh..."
Anyway he was a pretty nice guy I guess, just quirky as all hell. It was like nobody had ever had a conversation about media before.
I've been asked a few times now what I like to drink. Back before I worked in a coffee shop I'd order all the sweet-ass milkshake drinks or get a flavor in drip coffee. To be fair, the coffee around campus was piss poor. Generally I just drank soda. On my way to class in the mornings I'd pick up a soda or sometimes a Sobe thing to wash down a multi-vitamin. Breakfast! As time went on though, I realized that I liked coffee much better without any sweetener. I mean I've cut a lot of the sugary shit out of my diet since then, but I'm talking about the taste.
These days I mostly drink regular black coffee. If I'm at a place I don't know I'll typically put a splash of whole milk in there too. During the mornings when I work I'll go through maybe... as little as 8oz of coffee or as much as 25oz. Some days when I'm training I get all wired up tasting espresso, too. I can't get into the spitting thing; it reminds me too much of chewing tobacco. Once I mistook a can of spittle for my black cherry soda and wound up hurling into the sink for about half an hour (followed by chugging water & jamming my finger down my throat).
If I'm feeling adventurous I have a couple of standby drinks.
This is an iced americano, for lack of better descriptors. It's a little ice and water with a splash of whole milk. Then I pull a triple ristretto espresso over some cool water (to keep from shocking it on the ice) and put it all together. It's pretty strong at first, since I don't mix it in, but that way the last bit is more manageable.
This is just a slight variation with some frothed milk spooned on top. An iced cappuccino, if you will. If you won't then I don't know what to tell you...
Friday, August 1, 2008
Come get some
A couple of frustrating situations I'd like to relate.
This morning a woman came in whom I didn't recognize. That's not unusual of course. And anyway I can't remember every fuckface that comes in the door. Sometimes I'll have people who will ask for "the usual," but fucked if I know what drink you ordered on one or two other occasions over the period of a few weeks. Okay, well, in this case it became clear she'd been there before (which I'll get to in a second). Things immediately start to go wrong here, so I played it out best I could. I'll admit I'm easily irritated. Let's just get that out of the way. Chances are you do something that annoys me. I'll survive. I do things that annoy me. To other people I mean... not to myself. There are those rare interactions, however, wherein nothing seems to go right.
1. She began by identifying her coffee as the "Peabody" rather than the appropriate "Peaberry." Not that big a deal, right? I nearly corrected her but thought better of it. It was already the third time that mistake had been made today.
2. She produced five whole bean stamp cards, each with roughly two pounds (out of ten) stamped. Surely not the first time I've combined somebody's cards, but this was a record. If you've ever had business cards printed out, you'll know that they can be pricey. Further irked, I still combined the cards & kept my composure.
3. I ask her if she needs anything else, and she declines. After paying, she brings up the complimentary coffee that comes with whole bean purchases. She could have said something when I asked but... well I guess that doesn't matter so much. Thing is, the free coffee comes with a pound or more purchased. She had about 3/4 of a pound. I don't know but... it seems like she would only have waited until the transaction was over if she knew she didn't have enough. Let's suss out how this went, shall we?
Me: I'm sorry; the free 8oz comes with a pound or more. You have about 3/4 pound here.
[I'll mention at this time that it is extremely annoying when people want to try to accumulate their free coffees. That's why we say at the "time of purchase" so it's not so goddamn difficult to complete the transaction. I mean who the fuck is going to keep track of that?]
Cust: Oh, so I'm not a good enough customer?
[see if you can come up with a reasonable answer to this question]
Me: Oh you know... silly policies.
Cust [walking away]: That's why people come to small businesses, right? To avoid all that corporate stuff.
Me: Mmmm...
Alright, so who the fuck are you then? You've obviously bought coffee here before, but I don't know you. You expect something for free because...
1. You're a regular customer.
2. We're a small business.
Do either of those make sense? I just... can't get my head around it.
Another thing, which happened yesterday, is another sticky one. I've written about bums before (this city's got 'em). As far as vagrants go, this guy wasn't so bad. I was told a bit later that he was known in nearby businesses as "Sneaky Santa." I suppose his beard was reminiscent, but he seemed a bit to decrepit to pull off anything sneaky.
SS might have been sitting at a table out front, but I believe it's more likely he was simply walking by. A customer decided he "looked like he needed a cup of coffee" and bought one for him. Congratulations, fuckwit! Your $1.40 has bought you a feeling of self-satisfaction that will keep you smug for the rest of the goddamn day! Meanwhile, I am given the opportunity to express my goodwill for the next six hours. Sweet! I can't ask him to leave because... well I guess he's sort of a customer. He sat there at a table inside, smelling of his salty-sweet self, making awkward eye contact with every hapless customer who walked in the door. On the plus side, I got to enjoy a range of reactions to his presence such as eye-averting fear and short-lived pity. From time to time he tried to make conversation, but I was unable to glean more than the following:
1. It's hot outside.
2. Barbers shave with a straight razor.
3. Our company roasts its own coffee in a small town which he has visited (or possibly grew up in).
4. He also has a Bojangles cup.
5. A query: is that sound a television? No. It is, in fact, the radio.
I briefed my replacement on the situation, to which his response was "No more refills for him!" Well played, friend. Well played indeed. I grew worried that he would reemerge today, but he has not (so far). Perhaps the heat, in conjunction with a scorching hot diuretic, killed him.
A special thanks to Wikipedia and Google image search for making the unnecessary hyperlinks possible.
This morning a woman came in whom I didn't recognize. That's not unusual of course. And anyway I can't remember every fuckface that comes in the door. Sometimes I'll have people who will ask for "the usual," but fucked if I know what drink you ordered on one or two other occasions over the period of a few weeks. Okay, well, in this case it became clear she'd been there before (which I'll get to in a second). Things immediately start to go wrong here, so I played it out best I could. I'll admit I'm easily irritated. Let's just get that out of the way. Chances are you do something that annoys me. I'll survive. I do things that annoy me. To other people I mean... not to myself. There are those rare interactions, however, wherein nothing seems to go right.
1. She began by identifying her coffee as the "Peabody" rather than the appropriate "Peaberry." Not that big a deal, right? I nearly corrected her but thought better of it. It was already the third time that mistake had been made today.
2. She produced five whole bean stamp cards, each with roughly two pounds (out of ten) stamped. Surely not the first time I've combined somebody's cards, but this was a record. If you've ever had business cards printed out, you'll know that they can be pricey. Further irked, I still combined the cards & kept my composure.
3. I ask her if she needs anything else, and she declines. After paying, she brings up the complimentary coffee that comes with whole bean purchases. She could have said something when I asked but... well I guess that doesn't matter so much. Thing is, the free coffee comes with a pound or more purchased. She had about 3/4 of a pound. I don't know but... it seems like she would only have waited until the transaction was over if she knew she didn't have enough. Let's suss out how this went, shall we?
Me: I'm sorry; the free 8oz comes with a pound or more. You have about 3/4 pound here.
[I'll mention at this time that it is extremely annoying when people want to try to accumulate their free coffees. That's why we say at the "time of purchase" so it's not so goddamn difficult to complete the transaction. I mean who the fuck is going to keep track of that?]
Cust: Oh, so I'm not a good enough customer?
[see if you can come up with a reasonable answer to this question]
Me: Oh you know... silly policies.
Cust [walking away]: That's why people come to small businesses, right? To avoid all that corporate stuff.
Me: Mmmm...
Alright, so who the fuck are you then? You've obviously bought coffee here before, but I don't know you. You expect something for free because...
1. You're a regular customer.
2. We're a small business.
Do either of those make sense? I just... can't get my head around it.
Another thing, which happened yesterday, is another sticky one. I've written about bums before (this city's got 'em). As far as vagrants go, this guy wasn't so bad. I was told a bit later that he was known in nearby businesses as "Sneaky Santa." I suppose his beard was reminiscent, but he seemed a bit to decrepit to pull off anything sneaky.
SS might have been sitting at a table out front, but I believe it's more likely he was simply walking by. A customer decided he "looked like he needed a cup of coffee" and bought one for him. Congratulations, fuckwit! Your $1.40 has bought you a feeling of self-satisfaction that will keep you smug for the rest of the goddamn day! Meanwhile, I am given the opportunity to express my goodwill for the next six hours. Sweet! I can't ask him to leave because... well I guess he's sort of a customer. He sat there at a table inside, smelling of his salty-sweet self, making awkward eye contact with every hapless customer who walked in the door. On the plus side, I got to enjoy a range of reactions to his presence such as eye-averting fear and short-lived pity. From time to time he tried to make conversation, but I was unable to glean more than the following:
1. It's hot outside.
2. Barbers shave with a straight razor.
3. Our company roasts its own coffee in a small town which he has visited (or possibly grew up in).
4. He also has a Bojangles cup.
5. A query: is that sound a television? No. It is, in fact, the radio.
I briefed my replacement on the situation, to which his response was "No more refills for him!" Well played, friend. Well played indeed. I grew worried that he would reemerge today, but he has not (so far). Perhaps the heat, in conjunction with a scorching hot diuretic, killed him.
A special thanks to Wikipedia and Google image search for making the unnecessary hyperlinks possible.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Coffee con leche
I've spoken about the vague things that happen across long periods of working at a coffee shop. Sometimes, many of those things culminate in a single morning to remind me of how annoying (in petty ways) people can be. Monday this week was one of those! None of these are major offenses, mind, but I just thought I'd show how ridiculous I can be.
1. Asking me "What's good today?"
Uh... the coffee? This might work at a restaurant where there are specials or catches of the day or whatever, but we have two coffees. Do you want one of those coffees? Do you want the one that I like? No, I don't know what the hell you mean. I suppose it's meant to be nice, but let's face it that there just aren't that many choices. The order wound up being a mocha. Surprise! And yeah, it's pretty much the same as it was yesterday and last week and when we first opened. It's a mocha. Then sure, it's good today.
2. Speaking Spanglish.
Children who learn two languages sometimes blend the two when they are looking for a word that doesn't come to mind immediately in the primary languages. Interesting stuff! When an English-speaking adult does it, though, it says "I don't speak Spanish very well." I can't really iterate what I find irritating about this, but maybe you too find the phrase "Over on the counter there they have uh... leche" grating as well.
3. Ignoring the children.
Left to their own devices, 2 year olds will yell, throw shit around, and injure themselves. Also, not responding to their "Mommy" cries will not eventually yield silence. They're gonna keep doing it. These two were throwing a cell phone to the ground, picking it back up, and throwing it again. It took a dozen of these gleeful tosses before anything was said, and even then it was a "Now, now..." kind of affair.
4. MAWDS (Middle-Aged Woman Dance Syndrome).
The quickest way to induce symptoms of this syndrome is to play the Beatles. Otherwise ordinary, whole-milk fearing ladies will gyrate casually, perhaps recalling a sock hop prior to when their first child was conceived. Together we can end MAWDS. Currently the only cure is playing unlistenable music, but a variety of sleeper holds have been found to incapacitate the suffering party until the offending song has passed.
5. Requiring a ludicrous number of vessels for baked goods.
A plate for each item and a bag for the remainder some time later. It's not that I'm all that particular about waste but... come on. You know, reduce your carbon footprint or some shit, I dunno.
6. Interrupting me while I'm answering a question.
I don't really care if I'm interrupted during inane chatter. I was asked what coffee we were serving, and I began, "It's a blend of the Sumatra with the-"
"OH! Sumatra! Hey, it's the Sumatra."
Perhaps it will not surprise you at this point to discover that all of these were from the same person.
1. Asking me "What's good today?"
Uh... the coffee? This might work at a restaurant where there are specials or catches of the day or whatever, but we have two coffees. Do you want one of those coffees? Do you want the one that I like? No, I don't know what the hell you mean. I suppose it's meant to be nice, but let's face it that there just aren't that many choices. The order wound up being a mocha. Surprise! And yeah, it's pretty much the same as it was yesterday and last week and when we first opened. It's a mocha. Then sure, it's good today.
2. Speaking Spanglish.
Children who learn two languages sometimes blend the two when they are looking for a word that doesn't come to mind immediately in the primary languages. Interesting stuff! When an English-speaking adult does it, though, it says "I don't speak Spanish very well." I can't really iterate what I find irritating about this, but maybe you too find the phrase "Over on the counter there they have uh... leche" grating as well.
3. Ignoring the children.
Left to their own devices, 2 year olds will yell, throw shit around, and injure themselves. Also, not responding to their "Mommy" cries will not eventually yield silence. They're gonna keep doing it. These two were throwing a cell phone to the ground, picking it back up, and throwing it again. It took a dozen of these gleeful tosses before anything was said, and even then it was a "Now, now..." kind of affair.
4. MAWDS (Middle-Aged Woman Dance Syndrome).
The quickest way to induce symptoms of this syndrome is to play the Beatles. Otherwise ordinary, whole-milk fearing ladies will gyrate casually, perhaps recalling a sock hop prior to when their first child was conceived. Together we can end MAWDS. Currently the only cure is playing unlistenable music, but a variety of sleeper holds have been found to incapacitate the suffering party until the offending song has passed.
5. Requiring a ludicrous number of vessels for baked goods.
A plate for each item and a bag for the remainder some time later. It's not that I'm all that particular about waste but... come on. You know, reduce your carbon footprint or some shit, I dunno.
6. Interrupting me while I'm answering a question.
I don't really care if I'm interrupted during inane chatter. I was asked what coffee we were serving, and I began, "It's a blend of the Sumatra with the-"
"OH! Sumatra! Hey, it's the Sumatra."
Perhaps it will not surprise you at this point to discover that all of these were from the same person.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm not your...
It's no new phenomenon that hosers will use words that make others cringe while thinking themselves clever or... I don't know... hip? You know there was that guy in the 19th century who called everybody "guv'na" and everyone else was all, "Yeah, alright man, just because we're having tea together doesn't give you license to talk like an asshole." Or when you're time traveling to prevent an imminent apocalypse and you keep getting "Og no like boomstick!" and you're like, "Come on Og, all your friends are calling it a shotgun... and how about some verbs every now and then? I didn't spend all that time teaching you English so you could talk like a stereotype." I hate that!
I was reminded of this problem just this morning when a guy called me "Chief." As in, "Make it a medium, chief." He got the coffee, yeah, but he also got a glare of well-masked incredulity. The urge to return fire is fairly intense. "Enjoy the coffee, Ace!" I've come up with a way to tell if the nickname you're about to apply to a complete stranger is inappropriate. Consider if you would use the same word in the following scenarios:
1. Your eight year-old gets his first hit in T-Ball
2. Your 94 year-old relative is having war flashbacks (you're not being an asshole or anything; you're just helping him cope)
3. A fellow trucker gives you a thumbs up when you drive past
4. When playing kickball with friends, somebody completely whiffs on a slow pitch ("Good hustle though, Tiger!")
5. You're trying to kill the mood when your partner wants sex and you don't
6. You're naming your new puppy
Here's a rough list of offending names:
-Chief*
-Buddy*
-Friend*
-Brotha
-Pal*
-Partner*
-Cowboy
-Ace
-Tiger
-Sport*
-Champ*
-Li'l man*
-Scooter (actually this was my parents' nickname for me as a child)
-Dude-a-rino
-Boy*
-Playa*
-Killa
-Rockstar*
-Superstar
-Pimp
-Chump
-Bra (there was a plumber in Hillsborough who used this word at least once in every sentence)
*I have been called this by customers or maintenance workers, in earnest
Nicknames are not the end of it, sadly.
-"Can I get that latte with a smirch of vanilla?" I can only guess that was meant to be a cross between "pinch" and "smidgen."
-"Does that come with a squirt of chocolate?" Sure, let me just run to the back here...
-"I want it with an extra pump of caramel." Don't we all.
-"Frozen mocha with froyo." I now call this the Froyo Fromo (patent pending).
-"Latte. Super flat, super fly." Okay, the woman who says this actually pulls it off. If anyone else tried it they'd be a tool faster than I could smile awkwardly at them.
As usual, I'll request you put your own examples in the comments. Then, as per usual, no comments will appear. Good on ya, mate!
I was reminded of this problem just this morning when a guy called me "Chief." As in, "Make it a medium, chief." He got the coffee, yeah, but he also got a glare of well-masked incredulity. The urge to return fire is fairly intense. "Enjoy the coffee, Ace!" I've come up with a way to tell if the nickname you're about to apply to a complete stranger is inappropriate. Consider if you would use the same word in the following scenarios:
1. Your eight year-old gets his first hit in T-Ball
2. Your 94 year-old relative is having war flashbacks (you're not being an asshole or anything; you're just helping him cope)
3. A fellow trucker gives you a thumbs up when you drive past
4. When playing kickball with friends, somebody completely whiffs on a slow pitch ("Good hustle though, Tiger!")
5. You're trying to kill the mood when your partner wants sex and you don't
6. You're naming your new puppy
Here's a rough list of offending names:
-Chief*
-Buddy*
-Friend*
-Brotha
-Pal*
-Partner*
-Cowboy
-Ace
-Tiger
-Sport*
-Champ*
-Li'l man*
-Scooter (actually this was my parents' nickname for me as a child)
-Dude-a-rino
-Boy*
-Playa*
-Killa
-Rockstar*
-Superstar
-Pimp
-Chump
-Bra (there was a plumber in Hillsborough who used this word at least once in every sentence)
*I have been called this by customers or maintenance workers, in earnest
Nicknames are not the end of it, sadly.
-"Can I get that latte with a smirch of vanilla?" I can only guess that was meant to be a cross between "pinch" and "smidgen."
-"Does that come with a squirt of chocolate?" Sure, let me just run to the back here...
-"I want it with an extra pump of caramel." Don't we all.
-"Frozen mocha with froyo." I now call this the Froyo Fromo (patent pending).
-"Latte. Super flat, super fly." Okay, the woman who says this actually pulls it off. If anyone else tried it they'd be a tool faster than I could smile awkwardly at them.
As usual, I'll request you put your own examples in the comments. Then, as per usual, no comments will appear. Good on ya, mate!
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