interlude

I'm feeling pretty lazy... too lazy for the last bumupdate. So now here's
"Things you can say in the coffee shop to irritate me"
I'm sensitive to this sort of thing, so don't think if you've said this in the past you're eligible for insta-hate or anything. Also, to those of you who stated my blog has an air of pretension, this one's for you.

-Skinny
-Grande
-Venti
-King size
-Middle size (we have four)
-Extra milk
-Extra hot
-No Foam
-2% milk
-Caramel Macchiato/Iced Macchiato
-Frappuccino
-Mochaccino
-Espresso over ice in a large cup (you're obviously trying to rip off some milk)
-Lattee, or brev
-Bold
-Less acidic
-"Could you make that like... half regular coffee and... like... half decaf?" No. You're the first person who's ever imagined such a thing.
-"Do you make the muffins here?" No.
-"You got hot dogs?" No.
-"Do you serve breakfast?" Not unless your breakfast, like mine, is a pastry (or nothing).
-"I'll have it for here, but I'll take it in a cup to go."
-"Regular cup of coffee." Which size? "Regular." 8 ,12 ,16 ,20 oz... "Whichever's regular." 20oz it is.
-Colombian/Costa Rica coffee. Is there a place you can go in and get whatever fucking coffee you want? A lot of the time I have two coffees on, or you can get a french press but what, I have 40 some-odd carafes behind the counter with a shit-ton of old coffee in them? Granted those SAs are more commonly asked for (when they're not being offered I mean), but I've also had people ask for Kona or Jamaican coffee. One guy even got mad that I didn't have it available for our discounted french presses. Like even though we were losing money in the deal it was his right or some bullshit.
-You should have free refills
-You should stamp my card for regular coffee
-You should carry iced decaf coffee
-You should have a sign about X
-You should have X baked goods
-Free advertising. Commonly used in conjunction with some fairly expensive retail product, such as "You should give these shirts away! Free advertising!"
-"Actually I was hoping I could talk to the manager?" Yeah, uh... he's not in.
-"May I speak with Mr. Thomas Roberts?" No.
-"Is this Northgate?" Yeah, I just don't like to answer the phone that way.
-"Which of your coffees is organic?" This one looks good.
-"I'm in a hurry." That'll be 50 cents.
-Adding zero into the tip line for a credit card. Either you're paranoid or just an asshole. I'm not saying you have to tip for a cup of coffee, and some people drop cash tips when they're paying by card... so do they think I'm going to write something in for them? That would be supremely idiotic of me.

While I'm on the topic, a couple of the more bizarre orders I've gotten.
[Woman looks at the menu for seriously a couple of minutes, resists assistance on picking something] "Grande Caramel Macchiato." I was so astonished I whipped around, thinking for a second that some joker might have written it in on the board. They hadn't. Just an idiot.

[This older guy... 60s maybe? Super tall, rather portly, unshaven, and again after poring over the menu, and this time while I was in the middle of helping another customer] "You make a pretty good maccharina?"
me: "A what? A macchiato?"
cust: "I said, 'You make a pretty good maccharina?'"
me: "I don't know what that is, I'm sorry. A macchiato?"
cust: [points at the board, but kind of in the lower region where the drink specials live] "Says up there you got a maccharina. Lemme get yer biggest maccharina."
me: [I legitimately started thinking he was fucking around with me] "Like the dance craze? The dance from the 90s?"
cust: "You... you take your job pretty seriously don't you."
me: "Yeah, I guess I do."
cust: "I'm just trying to get your biggest size... your 20oz maccharina."
me: "If you mean the macchiato (I bring out our print menu & point it out), it's a rather small drink (I hold up a demitasse), but if you want-"
cust: "So you're telling me I can't get a 20 oz?"
me: "Well that would just be... I mean that's a lot of espresso. I can do a cappuccino or like... a latte in that size if you want."
I'd like to point out that it's 7:30 in the morning. Well Ben came in at about that time & saw the look on my face. He sent me out to his car to bring in the baked goods; I gladly obliged. When I came back in the guy had settled on a 32oz french press. He finished about half of it. The entire time, he stood there at the bar across from the counter. I don't know... like he was waiting for something.

"Tall motil [moh-teel]." Never figured out what the hell that was supposed to be, but she wound up with a 20oz single shot decaf heavy cream latte. Ew. Actually there's another one like this where somebody butchered the name of the drink, but it's escaped me. I'll update when I remember.

"Latte with half skim, half half & half."
me: "That's um... that's pretty much whole milk."
cust: "No, no, because all the lactose that's really good for you in half and half isn't in the skim, so if you mix the two you get the benefits of both."
And sometimes you learn it's best just... not to argue.

A variation on the "regular" problem mentioned above, which escalated when I asked "for here or to go" (since putting it in a small mug for here would have solved the problem).
cust: [getting belligerent] "Just a regular."
me: "So I'm just trying to figure out how you want me to serve that to you... I have small mugs here, or I could give you maybe a medium paper cup?"
cust: "I'll take it... [ponders] in a container."
I thought maybe he was joking or trying to be an ass about it, so I chuckled. Stopped cold when the stoic bewilderment on his face remained. He got a 12oz.
This has spurned many conversations about how one would serve coffee without a container.

Getting started on this has opened up so many memories of difficult people, and I think I'll have to stop now before this runs any longer.