The Roar

My first job was at Food Lion when I was the ripe young age of 16. Although too early for diagnosis of many major mental illnesses, but not for early onset misanthrope!

When I first asked for an application, the incredulous cashier asked me how old I was. This was discouraging enough to delay me until my parents made an ultimatum of some sort. I discovered that crippling boredom sets in fairly quickly when all your friends have Summer jobs to complain about. See, ultimatums tend to have the opposite of the desired effect on me... like my jackass within wants to defy someone on the principle that they want me to do something. Anyway, I doubt my parents had much luck enforcing whatever punishment they had devised considering I was home alone all day.

After returning the now months-old application (not like any work experience was going to appear on there during that time), I received what I had thought would be an interview & turned out to be "see where you can put yourself on this schedule." In fact, I immediately got a clock-in number and was set before the break room television with a training video. This thing was so insipid and outdated that it wasn't even funny. A despondent employee recommended I stop the video and read the paper in the span of time it would take to watch (an hour), but all I could find was The Lion's Roar, featuring winners from the Cashier's Olympics. No, that is not shit you can make up. Incidentally, I continued receiving The Lion's Roar by mail for years after my employment there.

My job description was one I have not witnessed before or since, "Front End." Most grocery stores, including other Food Lions, separate this into three separate jobs.
1) Cashier: More important than anything is your IPM (items per minute). Let me tell you that my IPM was so distressingly low that management frequently talked about it. Let me also tell you that your manager telling the elderly lady that it was okay to go back home to get more money in the middle of a transaction will tick down your IPM rapidly and keep you from beginning new transactions. I would, however, like to be the one trying to figure out why it took 45 minutes for some kid to ring up Mueslix and adult diapers.
2) Bagger: I will say that many people, upon realizing I'm the only employee in the front of the store, will start to bag their own groceries. Still, a fair percentage will glare at you the entire transaction with a look that says "When is the goddamn bag boy going to show up?" These same people will ask for help getting their groceries to the car as other customers line up. Yes, of course I was later chided by management for not providing this service for them. Sometimes there was a bagger manchild who would offer anyone with a bag or more help to their car, but generally I was unable to spontaneously asexually reproduce so I could help some yuppie asshole squeeze her groceries in next to the bike in her trunk. Always a bike in the trunk.
3) Stocker: Whenever we had a free moment, we were meant to be "blocking." Blocking consisted of arranging items near one's register to be aesthetically pleasing. Whenever I was alone in the front (most of the time), I was not supposed to move more than one register away. Those three aisles of candy were always fucking gorgeous. Whenever some jerkoff kid would toss the shit around I'd be there to put it back. Other times, when there might be another employee around, I'd take a cart with misplaced items around. I'll talk about that more later...