What I'm not

First a couple of nuggets from the shop:
-After answering the phone the usual way, a man asked if we sold pool supplies. After a pause, he asked, "Who have I reached?" I repeated the business name. "Do you sell pool supplies?" "No we do not." "Okay."

-This next one was so confusing I can't repeat it exactly. I still don't know what he was asking me for.
Older Guy: I'm meeting a friend here.
Me: Alright that's fine. Did you want to start an order now or wait until he gets here?
OG: Well, I was wondering if you had a computer.
Me: Do I have a computer? [I begin gesturing toward the one I'm standing in front of]
OG: Since he's not here yet, I was hoping to go ahead put my information into your database.
Me: Uh... You mean your order or uh... I don't think I understand what you mean.
OG: I mean do you have a computer.
Me: Just this one here, but it's -
OG: One that I can use temporarily.
Me: No, we don't have anything like that.
OG: Okay... [He hustles off, several binders clutched to his chest]
I did see another guy come in who I recognized a short while later. He said he was looking for someone, but I was busy & didn't have time to discuss it. I didn't see either of them again.

-I only just remembered something that happened back at another store. People ask for strange ways of getting their drinks sometimes; they'll get double cups and a sleeve, "It's for here but I'll take it in a to go cup" [which is great, since I fucking care where you're going with it], "Small in a medium cup" [much like saying "I want to pay less to put more milk in my drink"]... Anyway this woman came in first thing in the morning before I'd even flipped the OPEN sign. She was quibbling about the cost of the smallest coffee (at the time $1.10) & kept coming back up to the counter. She asked me for a sleeve with her tiny cup, which wouldn't fit anyway. She got one regardless and made what amounted to a little hat for the thing - pretty funny looking if you can imagine that. Then she wanted a bag... maybe she was looking for a plastic bag with handles, I wondered? I showed her all we had were little pastry bags, and she plopped her little coffee into one, hat and all. She kind of stormed off without saying anything else. I never saw her again, which is for the best, but I wonder if she thought I was terrible at customer service.

-Soy guy I'd almost forgotten about. This happened at the same store as the above woman, but he's since been terrorizing a different location. It's irritating, though not unusual, that people ask for some leftover steamed milk. Since we steam each drink to order, there's not really much just sitting around... plus it's not free (sorry). It's even less frequent that we have soy remaining. This guy began by asking about the prices for each size of coffee and wound up getting the smallest one. They're all under $2, by the way. Then he wants some soy for it, which I keep behind the counter. He then claims that soy milk will curdle if it's placed in hot coffee, so could I steam it for him first. I explain to him that the little bits that appear are not curdles, and soy can't curdle anyway (in the way that cow's milk does - it can still go bad obviously). Eventually we compromise that I give him a tiny cup of soy to put in the microwave. I lost track of him with other customers - a mistake. A customer comes up after a short while to tell me there's a horrible mess in the microwave. He had heated it for... I don't know, a minute maybe? When he came back I explained that I couldn't let him do that anymore, and no I wouldn't steam soy milk for him for free. I feel like I'm usually pretty reasonable about that sort of thing, and I try not to upcharge people, but he was becoming a real nuisance. That same day he got on his cell phone right by the counter talking to his father. As the conversation escalated (sadly I hadn't heard much of it), he began shouting "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, DAD!" I was a little frightened, and he was certainly bigger than I, but I asked him to take his call outside. He obliged with surprising calmness. Later, after I had warned my coworkers about him, I heard he'd begun appearing at the other store with the same weird requests. Now though he was trying to sell us baked goods, because the other place we were getting things from "doesn't know shit about baking." We politely declined.

-There's a guy at the store right now that I lovingly refer to as "the applicant." He came in not too long after we opened to get an application. A day later the phone calls begin. To this point he had not purchased anything yet. He sat down with the phone [I'd definitely told him to keep it to a couple of minutes] and pulled out a folding wallet. This thing was absolutely bursting at the seams with business cards (including one of my coworker's). After a good half hour on the phone I had to use the credit card machine, so I asked him to yield the phone. This began happening every day, & I had to lie that the phone wasn't working. Once, he left a stack of what I had assumed were applications on a table. Thinking he'd be back for them, I left it for a good hour before retrieving it. It was, in fact, an application booklet for the private investigation service up the street.
Regardless of my coldness toward him, he kept coming in practically demanding an interview. We told him we didn't have an opening for someone with his level of experience (none). Still, the calls kept coming to each of our stores. He turned in another application with different information on it. Eventually we had to tell him flat out to stop calling.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I recognized him immediately. He asked for an application, and I said he couldn't have another one. He asked for my business card, which I gave to him (it just has the store number on it). It was a bit busy, and he didn't ask to use the phone.
Today, literally as I'm writing this, he's still here. He asked to use the phone. After ten minutes or so I saw him start to dial another number & said I needed the phone back. He obliged. Then he starts asking me about the prices of all the baked goods. Since we're not Burger King or some shit, the stuff is not cheap. He had his eye on these fancy pastries that run about $2.40. He decided on a croissant ($1.70) and a coffee, totaling $3.10. After looking through this bulging wallet and every pocket on his person, he produces $2.60. I tell him that's what he has (mostly in change). "How much do I need?" I tell him. "I'll be back." Assuming he wouldn't be back, I pulled the items back & prepared to shelve them. Within minutes though he reappeared with an additional pair of quarters (from who knows where). I put the items back on the counter for him.
Applicant: Fill that up please.
Me: No room for cream? [of course later he spilled it all over the counter]
App: I don't like that one [the croissant], I like those round ones [pointing in the case].
Me: The ham and cheese ones? Those are more expensive I'm afraid.
App: How much more expensive?
Me: [Checking in the register] Uh... nearly 5o cents.
App: That's too much. Are all these that much [pointing around the case].
Me: All the filled ones are. The plain ones are just these.
App: I don't like that. These should all be 99 cents.
Me: Okay... well, they're not... I'm afraid.
App: Is that the only one that's for one something?
Me: [I identify all the things in the case that are under $2]
[Someone appears in line behind the applicant]
App: Do you have Philadelphia Cream Cheese? [I almost expected him to say "TM"]
Me: We do.
App: I'll take that then with butter too.
Normally we charge for that kind of shit, but I was pretty tired of dealing with him (not to mention the other customer in line). Nothing else happened except for spending an inordinate amount of time at the to-go station & leaving all his trash at the table. I found, amongst those things, a small slip of paper with my coworker's name (who is no longer in charge of hiring) and the other store's number. Just now he's walking down to the fencing place... where I doubt anyone will be looking to hire him.

I was planning to begin a list of names for the Java Jackets here, but it looks like I already have quite a bit going on in this post. So much for just "a couple nuggets" I guess.