The Chels Part 2: projectioniesting

The title is in reference to a notice we got with one of the films, I think about which preview to include (?), that was littered with typos. We would also sometimes get press releases about upcoming films from the distributor. These are always a larf, reading like an amazon.com commenter page. Sometimes it seemed like the writer had only seen a poster for the film & was just guessing around; I doubt they had access to screening copies.

I started as "manager" or projectionist at the Chelsea after about a year. At that point I started three shifts a week with one as box office only (see previous post). A few funnies that are frequent:
-"The projector is on fire!"
If the motor stops and the lamp is still running, its heat literally burns through a frame of the film. It's easily fixed & usually happens on worthless headers or footers. Still, it looks pretty dramatic on screen, almost like the whole screen is burning through from behind.
-"We were late, can you rewind the film?"
No. The motor only goes in one direction. Also, the platter system is such that, once you've started the film, it has to be completely run before it can be wound up. Otherwise, imagine pulling all the tape out of a videocassette & trying to feed it through your VCR. Sounds like an exaggeration, but until you see an entire film tangled up on the floor...
-"Isn't anyone in the booth!?"
No. The days of having to change reels every 20 mins are over - the whole film is spliced together. I've had people sit through 15 mins of a movie with no sound... like 20 people... assuming that someone was "working on it." Same with a stopped film.
-"Is X coming back?"
I have no idea. Do you ask the burger flipper at McDonald's if the McRib is coming back soon?
-"I've heard about X... will you be getting that movie?" Maybe [I check the schedule]. "What's that movie about?"
I'm tempted at this point to make something up based on the title.
-"Can I speak to the owner?" He's not here. "When will he be in?" He's in most weekday mornings. "No afternoons or evenings." Periodically. "Okay..."
It's great when the truth is more confusing to the solicitor than a lie.
-"Can I speak to the manager?"
Surprise!

We had this guy come in pretty regularly, an older guy in his 60s. He'd get two senior tickets & wait for this other woman to show up... not sure why that was. He would ask to speak to the projectionist. To this point I had only met with him indirectly, and I'd learned to lie to him that the projectionist was upstairs. He'd tell me to "Ask him to do a good job tonight." Now typically I'd sit near the box office so I could see what was going on & to get my chat on. This particular night Mallory was working & it was moderately busy. He came inside to buy his tickets (which I've mentioned I hate, especially if other customers are lining up outside in a normal queue) & asked who was projecting tonight. Mallory had to help another customer, so she basically just pointed at me & turned back to the window. I was cornered there on the bench. He came up to me & stood not 2 feet away, like if I'd stood up I'd be all up in his nose hairs.
Hoser: You projecting tonight?
Me [pretending to be paying attention to the box office so as not to have to make eye contact]: Yup.
H: You going to do a good job tonight?
M: I'm sorry?
H: I said, "Are you going to do a good job tonight?"
M: Sure, yeah... same as always [forced smile].
H: No not "same as always," I mean are you going to do a good job tonight? I've been here when projectionists just didn't seem to care about their jobs.
M: Okay...
H: So I want you to go up there & make sure the focus is right after the feature starts and that the sound is at the right level.
M: Actually from upstairs you can't monitor the level of the sound as-
H: Yes you can! And that's what you'll do! Then you'll come back downstairs & sell some Coke!
M: I'm sorry, you can't speak to me that way.
H: What?
M: I said "I'm sorry," [standing up] "You can't speak to me that way."
H: I'm just telling you to do-
M: No. You can't speak to me that way.
H: Well... maybe I should just tell Mr. Bruce Stone that he has a rude projectionist!
M: Actually I'll tell him myself if you like.
[He starts to walk away, in a huff]
M: Or I could give you your money back right now...
[He turns around and starts to say something I don't remember]
M: And you can leave.
H [turning back around]: This is ridiculous...
Fearing the ever popular angry letter, I related this story to Mr. Stone (the owner) within the week. He appeared skeptical until I got to the part where hoser used his name, when he interrupted me with "Who is this guy!?"

As the manager, one of my jobs was to empty the trash at the end of the night. I think this is what drove me to insanity... not the physical act of removing the bags, but cleaning out the theaters. To anyone who is about to start a sentence "But it's your job to..." let me cut you off by saying you should have learned when you were 3 to clean up after your own fucking self. Is it a restaurant? Do you see any busboys? Do we give you a fucking basket of peanuts to shell onto the floor? Okay, I understand it's dark & you might finish what you brought in well before the end of the movie & forget your trash, but the following things do not fit that category:
1. Dozens of pistachio shells.
2. Handfuls of napkins, used and unused. Not only is this wasteful, but shoving a handful of used napkins into the cup holder is fucking disgraceful. After awhile I stopped picking up napkins at all. If people are too lazy & want to wade around in their own shit, more power to 'em.
3. Half-eaten container of sushi from Harris Teeter, overturned. The whole theater smelled like soy sauce. Each of the 10 or so packets was ripped open & partially used. A thin stream of sauce meandered its way down the aisles into a puddle at the front of the theater.
4. Six empty bottles of Tequiza.
5. Half-eaten Subway sandwich, discarded unwrapped onto the floor. Henceforth I stopped anyone I saw with a Subway bag.
6. Half a dozen wrappers for nicotine gum. This was happening regularly, and I eventually figured out who was doing it. This went on the entire time I was working there so... I guess quitting wasn't working out for him.
7. Two empty tall boys in paper bags.
8. In the Women's bathroom, tampons. On the floor, clearly used. Seriously? There are little trash bins to put them in. Even then most people wrap them in toilet paper first. What kind of person pulls a bloody cloth from her vagina and just drops it there on the floor? No really, tell me. I will find her.
9. Tobacco spit cups.
10. Ticket stubs. To be fair, these little buggers can get away from you pretty easily. However, that doesn't mean you're off the hook if I watch you drop it on the way into the theater.
11. Heath (I think it was) found a used catheter on the floor of the men's bathroom.

Also I forgot about this one interaction I had at the concession counter.
Woman: A Coke and a popcorn.
Me: Which size would you like [pointing at the bags over the popper]?
W: Umm... do you have like a...
She starts making this motion with her hands & forms a circle about the size of a basketball. Anticipating the next words that would come out of her mouth & trying to spare her a little embarrassment, I start shaking my head.
W: Like a... bucket?
M [still shaking my head]: I'm sorry we don't.
W: The large then.
M: With butter?
W: Please.